Wishes for Pirates
by LadyLena-64
Summary: Three friends make wishes to be with our favorite Captain and Blacksmith, and they come true!
1. 3 Wishes

A/N: This is my first story posted on here so everyone please be nice! All reviews are accepted, even flames. This is just something that I really threw together in my spare time at school last year just for fun. The characters in this are real (except for those of POTC of course) and all belong to me except for those. The first part is in story mode, but then I turned it into a script and was too lazy to change the first part to that as well. If anyone gets confused reading this... well I'm sorry because other ppl have. Enjoy!

Crystal sighed as the movie ended and stopped her DVD. "I love Orlando Bloom so much," She said. "He's the hottest man alive."

Melissa snorted. "Yeah right. You're blind, Crystal. It is so obvious that Johnny is the better man."

Crystal threw a handful of popcorn at her friend. "Orlando's young, Johnny's old; you figure it out."

Melissa brushed the popcorn off her clothes. "But that just makes Johnny more appealing. Because he's older means he's more experienced."

"Eww."

Melissa laughed and said, "Let's watch it again."

"Again? Oh come on, Mel, it'll be the third time in a row!"

"Orlando..."

At hearing his name, Crystal replied, "Okay", and restarted the movie.

"Can't wait to hear Johnny's voice again." Melissa sighed.

"Orlando's is sexier."

"Whatever."

For the third time, _Pirates of the Caribbean_ began to play and soon both girls were lost in the wonderful swashbuckling world of Jack Sparrow and Will Turner.

"Man, me and Mel watched _Pirates of the Caribbean_ like five times yesterday!" Crystal exclaimed to her friend Janel.

Janel rolled her eyes and said, "Aren't you guys sick of that yet? If one of your teachers gave you a test on that you'd probably frickin' ace it!"

Crystal giggled and Janel shook her head and smiled.

"C'mon, you can't tell me you didn't watch _The Fast and the Furious_ five times in a row because of Paul Walker, or _Daredevil_ because of Colin Farrell." Crystal teased.

"Well, not in a row," Janel began. "But I've probably watched them about a thousand times."

Just then Mel H. and Mel. D. walked up to them, talking excitedly. Crystal started laughing.

(okay you know what? I'm switching to script code!)

JANEL: What're you two so excited about?

MEL H.: Me and Crystal are going over to Melissa's house after school to watch _Pirates of the _

_Caribbean_!

JANEL: (blinks and shakes her head) Ya'll are nuts.

(Alie walks up. Everyone is standing in front of her locker)

ALIE: C'mon you guys, move! I wanna get out of here!

JANEL: Jeez, have a cow! (laughs and moves out of the way)

(the others move too)

MEL H.: Hey Alie, guess what?

ALIE: What?

MEL H.: Me and Crystal are gonna be on your bus today.

ALIE: Oh no! I'm walking home then. (kidding)

CRYSTAL: Hahaha.

JANEL: I'm leaving.

EVERYONE: Wait!

JANEL: Well then hurry up! You guys might wanna miss the bus but I don't!

(Alie shuts her locker door and everyone hurries outside)

JANEL: Ha! My bus is here and yours isn't!

ALIE: It's not funny.

JANEL: Yes it is. (before Alie can argue back) Bye! (Gets on her bus)

MEL D.: I love Johnny!

MEL H.: Me too!

CRYSTAL: I love Orlando!

ALIE: Oh my god. (thinking it will be a long bus ride home. And she was right)

(The three girls are at Melissa's house and the movie is just ending)

CRYSTAL: You know what, we should—

MELD. & H.: No!

MEL D.: We gotta take Mel home in a few.

CRYSTAL: Oh fine. Speaking of fine—

MEL H.: Yeah Johnny was, we know.

CRYSTAL: I was talking about Orlando.

(the movie is ending with Johnny sailing away on the _Black Pearl_)

BOTH MEL'S: (sigh)

CRYSTAL: You know, I wish I knew Orlando Bloom and he fell in love with me.

BOTH MEL'S: Yeah, I feel the same way about Johnny. (glare at each other)

(suddenly the girls aren't in Melissa's house anymore, they're in a cell in a room that seems to be rocking back and forth)

CRYSTAL: Wh-what the he—

MEL D.: Ah! No swearing!

MEL H.: But Crystal's right, Mel. Where are we?

MEL D.: Man, this looks familiar!

PERSON IN NEXT CELL: Ahrr!

GIRLS: (yell and jump away from the noise)

PERSON IN NEXT CELL: (laughing)

CRYSTAL: Maybe one of us should try to get out and go and see where we are and what's going

on.

MEL D.: Okay then, who?

MEL H.: Thank you for volunteering!

MEL D.: What!?

CRYSTAL: (laughing)

PERSON IN NEXT CELL: (laughing)

MEL D.: What're you laughing at?

PERSON IN NEXT CELL: (glares)

MEL D.: Okay then if I'm going how'm I sposed to get out?

CRYSTAL: Be creative.

MEL D.: (glares at her)

CRYSTAL: What?

MEL H.: Squeeze through the bars.

MEL D.: (looks at bars) Are you insane?

MEL H.: Oh come on, you can fit.

MEL D.: (snorts) Yeah right!

CRYSTAL & MEL H.: (stare at her expectantly)

MEL D.: Oh, alright! (goes to the bars and tries to squeeze through. Five minutes later she is out)

Ow my head!

CRYSTAL: Well that's what you get for trying to squeeze through tiny jail cell bars.

MEL D.: (rolls her eyes and shakes her head and then goes over to a small set of wooden stairs

leading up) See ya! (she gets to where her head is poked out of the opening and looks

around her) Holy crap! (they're on a boat, with pirates everywhere! She keeps stepping

up in shock and suddenly she is grabbed from behind) Hey!

WOMAN: What ye be doin' on this ship? (she hisses)

MEL D.: I don't know. You tell me.

WOMAN: I'm takin' ye to the captain!

MEL D.: Do I have to walk the plank?

WOMAN: That be up to the captain.

MEL D.: (muttering) Stupid, stupid, stupid...

(they reach the part of the ship where the captain is steering)

WOMAN: (hissing) Eyes to the ground!

(Mel D. quickly looks down as she is pushed toward the captain)

JACK: What do we 'ave 'ere?

MEL D.: (thinking) 'I know that voice!' (she glances up and her eyes go wide) Johnny Depp!

JACK: I'm sorry, who? Ye must be mistakin' be fer someone else. My name is—

MEL D.: Ja- Captain Jack Sparrow!

JACK: (delighted) You know who I am! Anamaria—

ANAMARIA: I found her comin' up the stairs, a stowaway!

MEL D.: Um, is it too much to say that there're two other girls down there?

JACK: (blinks) Well how did you get here?

MEL D.: We don't actually know. One minute we were at my house then the next we're here. We

were inside one of the cells below and they made me squeeze through the bars and come

up and see what was going on.

ANAMARIA: She's lyin'!

MEL D.: Am not!

JACK: Well, an unlikely story but a creative one. Come. (he motions for her to follow him. She

shook herself out of Anamaria's hands, stuck her tongue out at here, and followed Jack)

What's your name?

MEL D.: Melissa.

JACK: That's a strange name.

MEL D.: (sarcastically) So's Jack Sparrow.

JACK: (turning to look at her, then bursting into laughter)

(they are now downstairs and going over to the cell where Mel H. and Crystal are)

MEL D.: Hey guys! You're not gonna believe this!

(both girls are wide-eyed. Mel H.'s mouth is hanging open)

MEL H.: (finally able to speak, hitting Crystal) It-It's Johnny Depp!

JACK: Who is this 'Johnny Depp' you two are talking about?

CRYSTAL: Quit hitting me! That ain't Johnny it just looks like Johnny!

MEL D.: He's not an 'it', he's a 'he'!

CRYSTAL: Whatever.

JACK: You didn't answer my question.

MEL D.: We'll tell you later. Okay so the brown-haired girl is also Melissa and the blonde one is

Crystal.

CRYSTAL: How do we get back home?

MEL D.: (shrugs)

JACK: Which takes me back to my original question: how did you get here?

MEL D.: I told you!

JACK: And it was very interesting but I want to know the truth.

CRYSTAL: Well whatever she told you it was the truth!

MEL H.: Johnny I love you, will you marry me?

(Crystal and Mel start laughing at Jack's surprised face)

JACK: What?

MEL D.: It's not Johnny, Mel! It's Jack Sparrow!

JACK: (frustrated) Captain Jack Sparrow.

CRYSTAL: Whatever. Get us out of here.

JACK: I'm actually debating on putting her back in there and waiting till we get to Port Royal and

decide what to do with you then. (he says, pointing to Mel D.)

MEL D.: Oh come on. Do we look dangerous?

CRYSTAL: Yeah, do we?

JACK: You're women, of course you're dangerous.

MEL H.: I resent that!

CRYSTAL: (laughing) Look, he still does the gay hand gestures!

MEL D. & H.: Take that back!

JACK: Excuse me?

CRYSTAL: (laughing harder)

MEL H. & D.: He does not!

JACK: What do I do? Don't do? (shaking his head, confused)

CRYSTAL: (on floor now laughing her butt off)

MEL H.: Crystal I am in this cell with you, I can kick you, you know!

MEL D.: Do it, Mel!

JACK: Quiet!

(girls stop arguing and look at him)

JACK: (looks at Crystal) Gay hand gestures?

MEL D.: She's callin' you a queer.

JACK: Queer?

MEL D.: (sighs) She's saying you like men instead of women.

CRYSTAL: (laughing so hard she is crying)

MEL H.: Orlando is the ugliest guy in the world.

CRYSTAL: (stops laughing and stares a death glare upon Mel H.)

MEL D.: Now who's the butt? (laughing)

JACK: I'm definitely locking you up.

ALL THREE: No! We'll be good, we promise!

CRYSTAL: Can you do that gay walk that you do?

BOTH MEL'S: Crystal.

JACK: Tha's it, back in the cell. (he looks at Mel D. and points to the cell)

CRYSTAL: You're stupid. She can just squeeze back out!

JACK: That does present a problem. (thinking) Well, luv, looks like you're going to be chained up

tonight. (opening cell) In you go.

MEL D.: What?! I've been standing here defending you and now you're gonna lock me up?

JACK: Yep.

MEL D.: You need serious help.

JACK: (starts to laugh as she walks in the cell)

MEL D.: What?

JACK: (leaves, still laughing)

MEL H.: He-he bluffed us!

CRYSTAL: That wasn't funny.

(they go up to see Jack back at the wheel and his crew working)

MEL D.: (whispered) Hey there's that mean woman.

MEL H.: What mean woman?

MEL D.: She caught me and took me to the captain.

CRYSTAL: Oh, I see.

MEL H.: Let's go.

(they go over to Jack)

MEL D.: Hola, el Capitan. Como estas?

MEL H. & CRYSTAL: Bonjour.

JACK: Now what?

CRYSTAL: We're just talking to you in different languages to see if you know what we're saying.

JACK: Fine then, hello to you, too.

MEL D.: You didn't answer all of mine!

JACK: I'm a bit tipsy but other than that I'm fine. How are you?

MEL D.: (grins) You been drinking?

JACK: Rum. Very good actually. You should try some.

MEL H.: Can't. We're not twenty-one yet.

CRYSTAL: Shh! He doesn't know that!

MEL D.: Uh, guys, we're in like 1600 something, I don't even think they have drinking laws in this

time.

JACK: You three are even crazier than I am.

CRYSTAL: Really? Cuz I thought you were kinda loony... (she stops as she sees the Mel's

glaring at her) Okay. I'm shutting up now.

JACK: (smiles) Am I to figure that you two like me? (pointing to the Mel's)

MEL'S: Uh...

CRYSTAL: Oh yeah. They keep telling each other how much they love you and—

MEL'S: Johnny!

CRYSTAL: In case you haven't noticed, Johnny's not here, Jack is. And he's really hot. So argue

over him now.

MEL D.: Crystal likes Will.

JACK: Turner? Sorry to disappoint, luv, but he's getting married. We're going to his wedding right

now.

CRYSTAL: NOOOOO! Oh great now I'm gonna be like the Melissa's, fighting over the same guy.

MEL D.: Well Crystal he's madly in love with—

CRYSTAL: Shut up! Don't want to think about it!

MEL H.: Well maybe we could try to change that. Get Will to fall for Crystal.

CRYSTAL: Really?

MEL D.: What?

JACK: I've got an idea!

(girls are surprised thinking Jack is going to help them get Will to fall for Crystal)

JACK: You three can be Elizabeth's bridesmaid's. She doesn't have any.

MEL D.: No way!

CRYSTAL: Yeah! No way am I being a bridesmaid when the bride is getting married to Orlando!

MEL D.: Will!

CRYSTAL: Whatever!

MEL D.: (holding hands up and backing up slightly) Okay.

MEL H.: When do we get there?

JACK: Two days.

MEL H.: Is that enough time to plan?

CRYSTAL: I hope so.

MEL D.: Jack, are you the best man?

JACK: Yes.

MEL D.: Great just great, they're gonna put him in a suit. (muttered)

MEL H.: Oh come on Mel, he'll look good in a suit!

MEL D.: But he's hot the way he is!

JACK: Wait a minute. How do you even know who we are?

CRYSTAL: Uh... it's a long story. Can we explain later?

JACK: No, you can explain now.

MEL D.: Do you have a girlfriend?

JACK: (startled) What?

MEL D.: Girlfriend? Lady-friend?

JACK: Ah yes. Giselle and Scarlet. (smiles and closes his eyes)

CRYSTAL: Uh, I thought they dumped you?

MEL D.: Yeah!

MEL H.: He's a playa. We should just stick with Johnny.

MEL D.: But Jack is... yeah you're right. (sighs)

JACK: Right about what?

MEL D.: Never mind.

CRYSTAL: Come on you guys! Forget him! We got a wedding to crash!

(girls go back downstairs, leaving a clueless Jack behind)

CRYSTAL: Are you guys sure this is gonna work?

MEL H.: Sure we're sure.

CRYSTAL: I don't know—

MEL D.: Crystal, trust us! We're your friends, we won't let you down.

(the plan they came up with is to kidnap Elizabeth and keep her hidden long enough for Will to fall for Crystal)

CRYSTAL: But—

MEL H.: No 'buts'. We know what we're doing.

CRYSTAL: (not so sure) I don't know. I don't have a good feeling about this plan.

MEL D.: Well do you have any other ideas?

CRYSTAL: (thinks) No.

MEL D.: Okay then.

CRYSTAL: You know what? I'm still confused as to how we got here.

MEL H.: Well maybe it was because we all wished about Orlando and Johnny and we were

watching the movie...

CRYSTAL: Oh come on, that kind of thing never happens! (pauses) Does it?

MEL H.: (shrug)

(they go up on deck)

ANAMARIA: (from behind them) The captain wishes ye to dine in quarters.

GIRLS: (jump, startled, and turn around)

ANAMARIA: Follow me.

(they follow)

JACK: Welcome, Milady's. Hungry.

CRYSTAL: Starving.

JACK: Good. Come. Sit. Eat.

MEL H.: What, no 'stay'?

MEL D.: Yeah we're not dogs, ya know!

CRYSTAL: Go PMS somewhere else!

MEL D.: Why don't you!

MEL H.: Yeah!

CRYSTAL: Shut up!

JACK: Sit down!

(girls go silent and look at him, then back at each other, then sit)

JACK: What the bloody 'ell was that?!

CRYSTAL: Just us actin' normal. (shrugs)

MEL'S: (laugh)

JACK: That's normal?

MEL D.: Well drinkin' rum 24/7 ain't normal, either!

JACK: (offended) It is for me!

MEL D.: Well that's why arguing like that is normal for us.

JACK: (shakes his head and sighs) Fine, just don't do it aroun' me.

MEL H.: We can't guarantee that we won't.

CRYSTAL: You guys got any gum?

MEL D.: Yeah, but let's eat first.

CRYSTAL: Ok.

JACK: Yer probably wonderin' why we called I called you in here.

CRYSTAL: Not really.

MEL'S: (snicker)

JACK: (shouting) No one is allowed to speak sarcastically to the captain unless the captain

himself says they can!

CRYSTAL: Ok, jeez, have a cow.

MEL'S: (laughing harder)

JACK: That's a bloody order!

CRYSTAL: You're face is all red, are you ok?

JACK: (dumbstruck)

MEL'S: (laughing hysterically)

CRYSTAL: I'm just messin'. You gotta learn not to take stuff so seriously. You're a pirate! Be

carefree!

JACK: (unlocks his special cabinet and takes out a big bottle of rum. Pours everyone a shot) 'Ere,

hopefully this'll calm you down.

GIRLS: (Sip rum) Yuck!

MEL D.: My mom lied to me! She said this stuff was good!

JACK: Ya have ta get used ta the taste first, luv.

GIRLS: (drink the rum)

Later on...

JACK: Stupid, stupid, stupid... (he is regretting giving the girls rum because they are now worse

than before)

GIRLS: (dancing around the room, singing) Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate's life for me!

CRYSTAL: (singing) We pilfage and—

MEL D.: No, no, no! (sings) We 'pillage' and plunder!

CRYSTAL: (sings) We pillage and plunder and rifle and loot! Drink up me 'earties, Yo ho!

MEL H.: (Sings) We're villains and knaves!

MEL D.: (sings) Drink up me 'earties, Yo ho!

GIRLS: (singing) A pirate's life for me!

JACK: (shakes head, rubs hand over face, takes long swig of rum)

GIRLS: (continue singing) —and don't give a hoot! Drink up—

JACK: This is my favorite song and you three are ruining it for me!

MEL D.: Then leave cuz we wanna sing. (resumes) We're scoundrels and blacksheep, we're really

bad eggs!

GIRLS: (Singing) Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate's life for me!

JACK: God help me.

MEL H.: Sing with us, Jack!

JACK: (stares at them,. Ponders the request)

5 minutes later

JACK: (singing) Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirate's life for me! (stops singing) I love this song! (dancing

around the room now with the girls)

ALL: (singing) Aye but we're loved by our mommies n' dads! Drink up me 'earties, Yo ho!

ANAMARIA: (walks in) What the 'ell is goin' on in 'ere?

JACK: Join us! (continues dancing)

ANAMARIA: (looks scared, leaves)

JACK: Fine then, we'll have fun without you! (turns back to girls) Okay ladies, aga— (stops, seeing

that the girls are passes out on the floor) Bloody 'ell..

Next morning

CRYSTAL: Aw, my head!

MEL H.: Light! Light! Make it go away!

MEL D.: (holds head) I'm gonna kill Jack. (looks around) Where are we?

(they are in a room with two beds, but the three of them are sprawled over each other in one. They look over to see Jack, sprawled face down across the other)

MEL D.: (stumbles out of the bed)

MEL H.: What are you doing?

MEL D.: I'm gonna jump on him!

MEL H.: I'll help. Crystal?

CRYSTAL: No, I'll get him back later.

(the Mel's are now in front of Jack's bed)

MEL D.: Ready?

MEL H.: You bet.

MEL D.: Okay, jump!

(they both jump on Jack and lay there, paying no attention to his surprised muffled cries)

JACK: Bloody 'ell! Ow! Who bit me?!

MEL H.: Me!

JACK: Ow! Stop it!

MEL D.: (jumps)

JACK: Bloody 'ell, women! What did I do to you?!

MEL H.: You gave us hangovers!

JACK: I did not! It was the blasted rum!

MEL D.: Which you have to us!

MEL'S: (flip over)

JACK: Argh!

CRYSTAL: (cracking up) Ow, my head!

JACK: Get off me!

MEL'S: Make us!

CRYSTAL: Yeah, kick his a****! (pauses) No, no, no, kick his drunk hung-over a****!

JACK: (rolls off the bed. Moving hands in is weird way) I'm havin' a breakdown!

MEL H.: Good!

JACK: Rum, I need rum. (herd the girls outside)

GIRLS: Ahh! My eyes! It burns! (holding hands over eyes)

JACK: (goes back inside and slams and locks his door)

GIRLS: (moaning on floor)

ANAMARIA: (hears the moans and goes to see what's wrong. Sighs in exasperation) I take it ye

knew what ye was gettin' into?

CRYSTAL: Yes.

ANAMARIA: (smiles, amused) Come on.

(the girls follow Anamaria below deck where she gives them something to drink)

MEL D.: What is it?

ANAMARIA: Coffee.

MEL D.: You have coffee?

ANAMARIA: (stares at Mel D. like she's grown another head) Yeah.

MEL H.: I'm never doing that again.

CRYSTAL: I am.

MEL H.: Out of all of us you've complained the worst. So why would you want to get drunk

again?

CRYSTAL: (shrugs)

MEL D.: Me too! We had fun last night! And the rum was pretty good, actually.

CRYSTAL: You said it tasted bad!

MEL D.: Well I like it now.

CRYSTAL: Whatever.

MEL D.: (mocks her) Whatever.

CRYSTAL: Shut up, Mel!

MEL D.: Ooh, I'm scared!

MEL H.: Ya'll quit fighting!

ANAMARIA: An' here I thought ya was jus' doin' that ta annoy Jack.

CRYSTAL: Well, yeah. But we actually do that all the time, annoying Jack was just a bonus.

ANAMARIA: (laughs)

MEL D.: How long now till we get to Port Royal?

ANAMARIA: A day.

MEL D.: Oh yeah, I knew that. (Crystal is about to make a sarcastic comment but Mel glares at

her)

CRYSTAL: Fine then. Be a party pooper.

MEL D.: (puts head down on table) Aw, crap, I just realized we can't drink again with Jack tonight.

CRYSTAL: Huh?

MEL D.: The wedding's tomorrow.

CRYSTAL: So?

MEL D.: We can't crash it while we're hung-over!

CRYSTAL: Oh.

ANAMARIA: But the wedding's not tomorrow, it's in three days. We just dock tomorrow cuz

Jack's the best man an' they need him fer that bloody rehearsal dinner.

CRYSTAL: Yay! Rum tonight!

MEL H.: Woohoo!

CRYSTAL: But I thought—

MEL H.: I changed my mind.

CRYSTAL: (nods)

MEL D.: I'm gonna go see what Jack's up to. (leaves)

MEL H.: (follows)

CRYSTAL: So...

ANAMARIA: Hmm?

CRYSTAL: Are you that mean woman Mel D. was talking about?

ANAMARIA: What do ye mean by that? (hands on hips)

CRYSTAL: (hands up) Nothing!

Jack's room

MEL D.: C'mon Jack, open up! (pounding on door)

JACK: (muffled) No! Go away!

MEL H.: Jack, we miss you!

JACK: Ye just want ta beat me up again.

MEL D.: (to Mel H.) Yeah he did stop us from finishing kicking his butt. (louder) Come on, Jack,

we're bored!

MEL H.: And seasick! Let us in!

MEL D.: (smirks)

(the door opens)

JACK: C'min if ye must.

MEL'S: (grin slyly and go in, shutting the door behind them)

MEL D.: Ok, now— where did he go? Oof! (Jack has jumped her and is tackling her to the floor)

(Mel H. jumps on Jack and starts biting him again)

ALL: (yelling incoherent things while rolling on the ground and kicking each other)

Below deck

ANAMARIA: What the bloody 'ell?

(she and Crystal go above deck to the room)

Jack's room

ALL: (still wrestling)

(Anamaria and Crystal stop inside the doorway and watch)

CRYSTAL: All we need is mud.

ANAMARIA: What?

CRYSTAL: Throw some mud in there and we'll get mud wrestling! But this is fun, too.

ANAMARIA: I can use this fer blackmail.

JACK: (hears the word 'blackmail' and stops)

MEL'S: (stop because it's no fun wrestling with Jack when he doesn't wrestle back)

JACK: Anamaria, what... what are you doing?

ANAMRIA: Watching two little girls whip yer pirate arse.

MEL H.: Hey! We're not little!

JACK: Well that's... I mean... (sees Anamaria smirk) I'm outnumbered!

(Crystal and Anamaria burst out laughing)

MEL'S: (get off of Jack) We'll get you later.

JACK: Not if I get you first.

MEL D.: Oh please, I'm so scared. (pretends to look scared)

JACK: You don't believe me now, but just wait.

MEL H.: Whatever.

(all the girls go out on deck, leaving Jack alone in his room)

On deck

ANAMARIA: (teaching girls how to steer the ship)

CRYSTAL: This is fun! Can I make a sharp turn right?

MEL D.: It's starboard!

CRYSTAL: Starboard!

ANAMARIA: NO! Not unless ye want ta try an' tip us over.

CRYSTAL: Cool.

MEL H.: Crystal!

CRYSTAL: Fine! God, you guys can't take a joke. (shakes head in exasperation. Grumbling)

Y'all'er no fun!

JACK: (comes out of his room, stops dead in his tracks when he sees the girls at the wheel)

WHAT'RE YE DOIN' TA ME SHIP?!

ANAMARIA: Aye, captain. Calm down. I'm jus' teachin' 'em how ta steer it.

JACK: Get away from there!

MEL D.: Jack, you're a jerk! I don't know why the hell I liked you in the first place!

JACK: (offended)

MEL H.: (laughing)

JACK: What're you laughing at?

MEL H.: You.

CRYSTAL: (singing) We're goin' to Port Royal, we're gonna crash a wedding. (doing the seawalk)

MEL'S: (trying to copy Crystal's seawalk but can't do it as good as her)

MEL D.: How do you do that? (stumbles and falls)

CRYSTAL: Like this. (still doing seawalk)

MEL H.: Hey, I got it!

CRYSTAL: (watches) That's great!

MEL D.: (mutters) Everyone but me. (tries again. Finally gets it) Whoo!

GIRLS: Yeah!

JACK: An' jus' what the bloody 'ell do ya call that?

CRYSTAL: The seawalk.

JACK: (snorts) Tha' ain't no bloody seawalk!

CRYSTAL: Yes it is!

JACK: Is not!

CRYSTAL: So what, you can't do it. (stops)

JACK: Yes I can.

CRYSTAL: (crosses arms) Do it.

JACK: Fine then. (tries, trips, falls)

GIRLS: (laughing. Starts again)

MEL H.: Come on, Anamaria!

ANAMRIA: (tries, gets it)

(Gibbs comes over and watches)

GIBBS: (tries, gets it)

JACK: (blinks) No bloody way!

MR. COTTON'S PARROT: No bloody way! Squawk! No bloody way!

JACK: Oh shut up you stupid parrot.

MR. COTTON'S PARROT: Shut up, shut up! Squawk! Shut up!

JACK: I need rum. (leaves)

MEL'S & CRYSTAL: Ooh! (follow)

JACK: Stop following me!

GIRLS: No!

JACK: I am the captain—

MEL H.: Blah, blah, blah. We want rum!

JACK: Well ye ain't gettin' any o' me rum!

GIRLS: No fair!

JACK: Life ain't fair! That's why I got stranded on a godforsaken spit o' land an' me beautiful ship

taken from me—

MEL D.: (muttered) Here we go.

MEL H. & CRYSTAL: (giggle)

JACK: --twice! An' it took me ferever ta get 'er back!

MEL D.: Aww you poor baby. Maybe some rum will help calm you down.

JACK: My thoughts 'zactly.

GIRLS: (snicker b/c Jack forgot he didn't want to give them rum and now he's going to b/c they

made him forget why)

One hour later...

ALL: (singing) Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!

JACK: (sings) We pillage and plunder and rifle and loot!

GIRLS: (sing) Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

JACK: (sings) We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot!

GIRLS: (sing) Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

JACK: This is so much fun!

GIRLS: Yeah!

JACK: Cont— (cuts himself off to see that the girls have passed out... again) Cripes. (drags them

back to his room)

Next morning

JACK: (grinning evilly, about to repay the girls for what they did to him the morning before. Jumps

on them)

GIRLS: (scream)

CRYSTAL: What the hell?!

JACK: (jumps)

MEL H.: WTF?!

MEL D.: Dam**** you, Jack! Oof!

JACK: (laughing. Starts tickling Mel H.)

MEL H.: (squeals)

CRYSTAL: (swearing) Man, die! (kicks Jack off the bed and jumps on him)

MEL'S: (follow)

JACK: NO! Get off!

GIRLS: (laughing)

(Anamaria walks in b/c the noise woke her up. Sees what's going on and rolls her eyes)

ANAMARIA: Not again. (turns to leave)

JACK: (sees her) Help!

ANAMARIA: (shakes head and leaves)

(girls get off of Jack)

CRYSTAL: You'll never beat us!

MEL H.: Dam**** right!

MEL D.: The power of three! (Mel and Crystal are staring at her) What?

(Crystal leaves)

MEL D.: Jack do you hate us?

JACK: Captain, luv.

MEL D.: Huh?

JACK: It's Captain Jack.

MEL D.: Fine.

JACK: How can I hate the three o' ye?

MEL H.: So you don't?

JACK: (sighs) No. Yer the best form of entertainment that's been on this ship in a while.

MEL D.: We're special.

MEL H.: Yep.

JACK: (sighs) There's somethin' I mus' tell the both o' ye.

MEL'S: (look at each other, shrug) Okay.

JACK: (shuts and locks door) It's hard to say this...

MEL H.: Spit it out!

JACK: Ever since I saw the both o' ye, I've felt strange. (points to heart) Feels like love.

MEL'S: (gasp, look at each other) Our wish! (pause) Crystal! (run to Crystal)

JACK: Will ye quit bloody doin' that?!

MEL'S (find Crystal talking to Anamaria at them helm) Crystal, Crystal, we gotta tell you!

CRYSTAL: Calm down! Tell me what?

MEL D.: Me and Mel's wish that Johnny would fall in love with us, it worked! Only it's with Jack!

CRYSTAL: So?

MEL'S: So that means we don't need to make Will fall for you! He'll do it on his own!

CRYSTAL: YES! (does seawalk)

MEL H.: Woo-hoo! (copies)

MEL D.: (copies)

CRYSTAL: (sings) I'm gonna get Orlando!

MEL H.: Will!

CRYSTAL: Whatever! Hey, where'd Mel go?

Jack's room

MEL D.: You gotta choose.

JACK: I can't! I like ye both.

MEL D.: Well who do you like more?

JACK: I like ye both the same.

MEL D.: Dam****!

(Mel H. & Crystal come in)

MEL H.: WTF, Mel?! Are you trying to steal Jack out from under me?

MEL D.: I'm trying to get him to choose, but he likes us both the same.

CRYSTAL: We should have a contest.

MEL'S: Huh?

CRYSTAL: A contest to see who Jack will choose.

JACK: I like that!

MEL D.: You would.

CRYSTAL: Okay, we need pen and paper.

JACK: (gets two quills, two bottles of ink, and two pieces of parchment paper from a trunk under

his bed) Here.

CRYSTAL: Okay. You two will write down how much you know about Jack.

(in five minutes they are done)

CRYSTAL: Okay, I'll read them off to Jack and he'll tell me who has the most true stuff. Ready

Jack?

JACK: Aye.

CRYSTAL: Okay. Mel D. put: 'He likes to raid, pillage, plunder, and otherwise pilfer his weasley

black guts out! (Jack laughs) _Loves_ rum! Favorite town is Tortuga, favorite tavern is

the Faithful Bride, madly in love with his ship, the _Black Pearl_, was once marooned

on a desert island by his crew who stole the _Pearl_, he defeated them and got it back,

best friends are Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann, prefers to be called Captain Jack

Sparrow, and I can't think of any more.' That's nice. Jack?

JACK: Ye had everything right except the part about Elizabeth bein' me friend. I really don't think

she likes me. But ye did very well.

MEL D.: (sad) Oh.

CRYSTAL: Okay, Mel H. had... everything Mel D. had except the whole pillaging and plundering

part, and forgot to mention Will. How could you?

MEL H.: Sorry!

CRYSTAL: Okay we'll best two out of three and Mel D. won the first contest.

MEL D.: Yes!

MEL H.: (glares)

CRYSTAL: Okay, Jack you pick the next contest.

JACK: (thinks) Who's a better kisser?

MEL H.: Ha! I'm gonna win this one.

MEL D.: (mutters to herself)

CRYSTAL: Maybe you should pick another one.

JACK: No! You said I could pick and I did! (turns to Mel H. and puckers up) Kiss me!

GIRLS: (bust up laughing)

JACK: What?

MEL H.: Nothing!

JACK: Okay then! (kisses Mel H.)

MEL H.: (fans her mouth) Whoo!

JACK: (grins) Yer welcome, luv. (winks) Alright, then. (turns to Mel D.)  
MEL D.: (covers her mouth)

CRYSTAL: Don't start!

MEL D.: Fine!

JACK: (kisses Mel D.)

MEL D.: (big grin on her face)

CRYSTAL: (rolls her eyes)

JACK: Yer too timid. Mel H. wins that one.

MEL H.: Hell yeah!

CRYSTAL: Okay, what next?

JACK: Well, since none o' ye can hold yer liquor, a drinkin' game is out o' the question... (brightens)

Me favorite song! What is it?

MEL'S: Pirate's Life For Me!

JACK: Okay... what is the place called where me ex crew got that curse?

MEL'S: Isla de Muerta!

JACK: Dam****, um...

CRYSTAL: Who can guess how old Jack is?

MEL D.: Thirty!

MEL H.: Twenty-five!

JACK: It's twenty-nine!

MEL D.: YES I WIN!

MEL H.: Whatever.

MEL D.: (hugs Jack)

JACK: (seeing Mel H.'s sad face) I do have a twin brother.

MEL H.: You do? You're not lying, are you?

JACK: I swear on me own grave.

MEL H.: Cool. Where is he?

JACK: Tortuga. We'll stop by there on our way back from Port Royal.

ANAMARIA: (pokes her head in) Which we're nearing. Better come out, Captain.

CRYSTAL: Yes!

MEL H.: Watch out Will, here comes Crystal!

MEL D.: Are we going straight to the governor's house?

JACK: Yes. But we 'ave ta leave as soon as the reception's over, or Norrington'll 'ave our heads.

CRYSTAL: Great.

(the ship docks in the harbor and everyone get off. The harbormaster doesn't even acknowledge them)

WILL & ELIZABETH: (there waiting for them)

JACK: Will! Elizabeth! (runs to them, picks Elizabeth up and swings her around and plants a big

kiss on her cheek)

ELIZABETH: Jack, really.

JACK: (grabs Will in a bear hug and slaps him heartily on the back)

WILL: (startled from being jostled around) Hello Jack. (sees the girls) Who are your new

companions?

CRYSTAL: (dumbstruck. Screams) Orlando! (faints)

MEL D.: It's Will, dammit, Will!

MEL H.: (laughing her butt off)

WILL: Did I miss something?

JACK: Uh, they're always like that. The one who just fainted is Crystal, the brunette is Mel H.,

and this (hugs Mel D) is me girls, Mel D.

WILL: (pulls Mel D. aside) I hope you know Jack's not going to stay with you for long.

MEL D.: I'm not gonna stay with him for long. I gotta go home sometime.

MEL H.: (slapping Crystal) Crystal, wake up. You need to wake up. (sighs) Crystal!

JACK: (pulls out a bottle of rum and uncorks it, then run's it under Crystal's nose)

CRYSTAL: (shoots upright) Orlando!

MEL D.: (fuming) Will!

WILL: What?

MEL D.: Not you! Well, yes, you, but not you!

WILL: (confused)

JACK: Don't worry mate, like I said, they're always like that.

MEL'S (haul Crystal up and take her over to Will)

WILL: Hello.

CRYSTAL: H-hi.

ELIZABETH: (sees Crystal staring at Will with googley-eyes and Will staring at Crystal with

almost the same expression) Will, darling, we all should be heading back. You

know how Father hates tardiness.

WILL: Huh? Oh yes. (turns to crew) Come.

(everyone goes to mansion)

GOVERNOR SWANN: (greets them at the door. Winces when he sees how filthy the crew is)

Oh, yes, welcome. Welcome, Mr. Sparrow.

JACK: Captain Sparrow.

GOVERNOR SWANN: Uh yes, Captain.

(with a flash of gold teeth, Jack enters the mansion)

MEL H.: (giggling)

MEL D.: What's funny?

MEL H.: (giggling harder)

MEL D.: What's funny?

MEL H.: (giggling uncontrollably)

MEL D.: What's funny?!

MEL H.: (points to Governor Swann, whispers) His wig is crooked!

MEL D.: (looks)

(now both are giggling)

GOVERNOR SWANN: (hears them, fixes his wig)

(Elizabeth's maid, Estrella, shows everyone to their guest rooms. And not wanting to get too many rooms dirty, Swann has divided the crew into the two largest ones. But since Jack is the best man, he gets his own room, and not knowing where to put the three girls, they are stuck with Jack)

CRYSTAL: Dam****, only one bed. (looks at them) Looks like you guys are on the floor. (flops on

bed)

MEL H.: No it looks like Jack and Mel D. are on the floor. (flops on bed next to Crystal)

JACK: (points to couch on far side of room, raises eyebrows suggestively at Mel D.) What'dya say

luv? You an' me?

MEL D.: (stares skeptically) Sicko. (flops on bed next to Mel H.)

JACK: (whines) Aw, c'mon! I'll behave!

MEL D.: I don't know you well enough.

CRYSTAL & MEL H.: (laugh)

MEL H.: But he's your b/f, Mel!

MEL D.: So.

JACK: Fine then. (jumps on top of all of them)

GIRLS: NO, NOT AGAIN!

JACK: (laughing)

ALL: (punching, kicking, screaming)

WILL, ELIZABETH & GOVERNOR: (run in)

WILL: What the—?

CRYSTAL: WILL! (falls off bed) Ouch.

MEL'S: (roll off bed)

JACK: (still struggling, tangled up in the sheets)

MEL H.: Haha, he's stuck!

JACK: Shut up. (looks at Mel D.) Help me.

MEL D.: (stares at him suspiciously)

JACK: Please!

MEL D.: (cautiously stand up and sits on the bed, then begins to untangle Jack from the sheets)

GOVERNOR SWANN: Ahem. Dinner will be served in thirty minutes sharp. Elizabeth, maybe

you could lend these young ladies a dress to wear.

ELIZABETH: Yes Father. You three follow me please.

JACK: (follows also)

MEL D.: Jack, go back!

JACK: But luv, I was thinkin' ye might need help with the corset. (winks)

MEL D.: (pushes him) Pervert.

CRYSTAL: (complaining) I ain't wearin' no dam**** frilly dress! If I gotta wear one, give me one like

Anamaria's!

MEL'S: Yeah!

ELIZABETH: It's just for tonight, ladies. I promise you can go back to those clothes tomorrow.

(points to the clothes they're wearing)

CRYSTAL: No freakin' way!

At dinner

(all the girls but Crystal are wearing dresses. The Mel's are having trouble reaching their plates and can't even breathe because of the corsets)

MEL D.: (muttering) Dam**** corset!

MEL H.: Dam**** Governor!

MEL D.: Dam**** Crystal!

MEL H.: Dam**** Elizabeth!

MEL D.: Dam**** dress!

BOTH: Dam**** Jack!!

JACK: Now what did I do?

MEL D.: You was born!

CRYSTAL: But you like it.

MEL D.: (sighs) Yeah.

MEL H.: I can't take it! (slams fork down on table) Anamaria, do you have any extra dresses?

ANAMARIA: (grins) Will you excuse us, guv'ner?

GOVERNOR SWANN: What? Oh, yes, fine.

ANAMAIRA: (stands) Come on.

MEL H.: (grabs Mel D.'s arm) C'mon.

MEL D.: Yay I get to wear a pirate dress!

(upstairs in guest room Anamaria is helping them change into two of her other dresses. Actually the only other tow dresses she owns besides the one she's wearing)

MEL H.: This is cool! (twirls around)

ANAMARIA: Not half bad.

(they go downstairs)

JACK: (grins at Mel D.) Much better, luv. (nods approvingly)

CRYSTAL: Whaa! I want a cool dress!

MEL'S: (gasp) Crystal you want to wear a dress?!

CRYSTAL: Yeah they're cool.

ANAMARIA: I don't have any more.

CRYSTAL: Can I wear yours?

ANAMARIA: (blinks) What?

CRYSTAL: We can trade clothes.

ANAMARIA: (stares strangely at Crystal)

CRYSTAL: Please?

ANAMARIA: Alright!

(they go upstairs and come back down five minutes later, Crystal in the dress and Anamaria in Crystal's KORN t-shirt and huge baggy black umbrella pants)

JACK: (bursts into laughter at seeing Anamaria)

ANAMARIA: Shut your trap!

GIBBS: (trying not to laugh)

MR. COTTON'S PARROT: Shiver me timbers!

ANAMARIA: Stuff it, you wretched bird. (muttered)

CRYSTAL: Calm down, you look great.

WILL: (to Crystal) The dress suits you.

CRYSTAL: Really? Thanks! (thinking) 'I will wear this all the time, then!'

WILL: (smiles)

ELIZABETH: (glares between the two)

MEL H.: (whispering to Mel D.) It's working!

JACK: (loudly) What's working?

MEL D.: Shut up!

JACK: (looks hurt)

MEL D.: I'm sorry. (hugs him)

CRYSTAL: He's the one that's supposed to be whipped, not you!

MEL D.: Oh, yeah. Jack, shut up!

JACK: What now?

MEL D.: (doesn't know what to say) You was born! (resumes eating)

JACK: (shakes head, looks at Elizabeth) So, will our delightful friend the Commodore be there?

ELIZABETH: Yes.

JACK: (sarcastically) Wonderful.

MEL D.: (worried) Does he still want Jack dead?

ELIZABETH: (pauses) Yes.

MEL D.: (mutters) Great. (throws fork down) I'm not hungry anymore.

MEL H.: Eat, da****it! The only thing we've put in our stomachs the past two days is rum. You need

food so eat!

WILL: Jack, you gave them rum?!

JACK: And yer point bein'?

WILL: (under breath) Bloody, irresponsible idiot!

JACK: I 'eard tha', Willie Boy.

WILL: (glares)

CRYSTAL: So what day is the wedding.

ELIZABETH: (tight voice) The day after tomorrow.

CRYSTAL: (nods, hoping the wish will take effect before then)

JACK: That reminds me! Elizabeth, do you have bridesmaids?

GIRLS: Jack!

ELIZABETH: No—

JACK: Wonderful! I'd like to volunteer me new friends here!

MEL H.: No! I mean...

MEL D.: It's not that we don't like you, Liz, we just hate those dam**** corsets and we know we'll

have to wear them. (pauses) That is if you wanted us for bridesmaids.

ELIZABETH: Actually, I don't really need them. I just wanted a maid of honor and... (turns to

Anamaria) ... I was hoping Anamaria would want to be mine.

ANAMARIA: (shocked, speechless)

ELIZABETH: If you don't—

ANAMARIA: I would be honored, Miss Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH: (smiles)

GIRLS: (thinking) 'Not good, not good!'

WILL: (takes Elizabeth's hand and kisses it)

GIRLS: (thinking) 'Definitely not good!'

MEL'S: (look at Crystal, who is fuming and clenching her fists, body rigid)

ELIZABETH: (sneaks a smirk at Crystal)

CRYSTAL: (about to jump out of the chair across the table when the Mel's grab her and hold her

back in the chair) BITCH!

MEL'S: Crystal!

CRYSTAL: (shakes them off and storms outside)

MEL'S: (follow)

MEL D.: Crystal, calm down. It will work.

CRYSTAL: I know, I know, just lost my temper.

MEL H.: Well going into a jealous rage and screaming 'bitch' at the girl seemed more than just a

temper tantrum.

CRYSTAL: You know me.

MEL D.: Yeah. But maybe you should apologize, at least act like you don't hate her so Will

doesn't get strange vibes then decide to stay with her.

CRYSTAL: Yeah. Okay.

From window

(Will and Jack are watching the girls from a window. They can hear them talking but can't tell what they're saying)

WILL: I have this feeling the Miss, um... Crystal is attracted to me.

JACK: (looks at him) You're a eunuch. Why would she be attracted to ya?

WILL: Will you quit saying that!

JACK: (chuckles) Jus' messin' with ya, m'boy. And if I'm guessing right, I'd say ye had an attraction

to the young lady, yerself. (winks and grins)

WILL: (sighs) Yes. I admit it. But I'm in love with Elizabeth! Aren't I?

JACK: It's not what ye feel in here-(points to Will's head)-but what ye feel in here. (points to his

heart. He leaves)

WILL: (ponders what Jack said)

Later, Will & Crystal alone

CRYSTAL: What did you want to talk about?

WILL: (sighs and looks away) I think I'm attracted to you.

CRYSTAL: (surprised) Really?

WILL: Yes. And it confuses me because I'm in love with Elizabeth. (looks at her) But I wasn't so

sure about that when I first saw you.

CRYSTAL: (excited, but keeps a confused face on to hide it) Well, whatever floats your boat.

Choose who you want. But it has to be what your heart is saying. (secretly hoping it

will be her)

WILL: That's what Jack said.

CRYSTAL: (raises her eyebrow) You asked for romantic advice from Jack?

WILL: From what I gather, women find him charming... right up until they slap him senseless.

CRYSTAL: (laughs)

WILL: His advice is how I got Elizabeth.

CRYSTAL: (thinking) 'Jack needs to die!'

WILL: My heart is pulling me in two different directions, and with the wedding in two days I'll have

to decide quickly.

CRYSTAL: Well like I said, whatever floats your boat. (leaves him to think)

In guest room

(Crystal comes in)

CRYSTAL: That was quick.

MEL D.: You mean it worked?

CRYSTAL: Sort of. He's starting to lean towards choosing me, I think.

MEL H.: That's great!

CRYSTAL: Yep.

(Jack bursts in the room, depressed)

MEL D.: Jack, what's wrong?

JACK: (sees her and his face lights up) Ah, entertainment! (moves towards her)

MEL D.: Forget you.

JACK: (whines) The Guv'ner won't let me 'ave any rum!

MEL D.: Not my problem.

MEL H.: Oh come on, Mel. Be a little nice to him.

MEL D.: Fine. (spreads arms out) Come here, Jack.

JACK: (happily embraces her)

MEL D.: Jack, get you hand away from my a****!

JACK: (moves hand) Sorry, luv.

MEL H.: I think Jack just wants to get lucky.

JACK: I 'ave a lot o' love ta go 'round!

MEL D.: I'm sure you do.

JACK: (holds his arms out to her and gives her a cheeky grin) Give me some love.

MEL D.: Love yourself. (flops down on bed. Closes eyes)

JACK: (about to jump on her)

MEL D.: Don't even.

CRYSTAL: (laughing)

MEL H.: Jack can you leave? We need to have girl talk.

JACK: Girl talk? I love girl talk! (pauses) What's 'girl talk'?

GIRLS: (herd him out the door)

JACK: (puts finger up) But—

(they slam the door in his face)

JACK: Bloody women. (leaves to find out what Will is up to)

CRYSTAL: Will was speaking all romantically. Got advice from Jack.

MEL D.: Will got advice from Jack?!

CRYSTAL: Yep.

MEL D.: What'd he say?

CRYSTAL: Told Will to follow his heart.

MEL D.: Jack said that? (skeptical)

CRYSTAL: (I couldn't believe it either.

MEL H.: Well Jack is very good with the ladies.

CRYSTAL: That's what Will said.

MEL H.: What is this with everyone saying what everyone else says?

MEL D.: That didn't make sense.

MEL H.: Neither's what's going on.

MEL D.: True.

(knock on door)

CRYSTAL: Come in.

(Anamaria comes in)

MEL D.: Hey, Ana.

MEL H.: What's up?

ANAMARIA: Bad news! Will broke off his engagement to Miss Elizabeth!

GIRLS: (jump off bed) WHAT?!

ANAMARIA: Elizabeth's a mess, Guv'ner Swann is furious, Jack is... well, Jack, and Will won't

explain! I need the three o' ye ta 'elp me!

CRYSTAL: (doing seawalk)

ANAMARIA: What're ye doin' tha' fer?

MEL H.: She's happy.

ANAMARIA: You broke them up?!

CRYSTAL: (STOPS) Hey, it ain't my fault the man is attracted to me. (resumes)

ANAMARIA: Bloody 'ell. (sighs, frustrated) Mel D., Mel H., you 'afta 'elp me!

MEL D.: We can't. We have to let things play out.

ANAMARIA: But...

MEL D.: (sighs) We'll talk to them.

CRYSTAL: What?!

MEL D.: (shrugs) Mel, you talk to Liz, you're good with the girl stuff, and I'll talk to Will.

MEL H.: Okay.

(they go off to talk to the others)

Mel H. & Elizabeth

ELIZABETH: (sobbing) I don't know why he'd do this!

MEL H.: (dull voice) There, there, it'll be okay. (thinking) 'God, when will she shut up?'

ELIZABETH: It's that Crystal, isn't it? I saw the way they were looking at each other!

MEL H.: (thinking) Mel D., why did I let you talk me into this?'

ELIZABETH: You didn't say anything, o it is that girl! I knew it!

MEL H.: Calm down! Dam****. Will can't help it that he might be attracted to her.

ELIZABETH: Yes he can!

MEL H.: No he can't. It's a chemical reaction in the body and nobody can help it. Jack was

attracted to both me and Mel D., but I let her have him because Jack said he had a twin

brother. I just hope he's less crazy and more sober. (pauses) He better be.

ELIZABETH: I thought you were supposed to be making me feel better?

MEL H.: Oh yeah. It'll be okay. I'm sure he'll pick you.

ELIZABETH: (starts sobbing again)

Mel D. & Will

MEL D.: Come on Will, I'm on your side!

WILL: (literally not speaking)

MEL D.: Boy, when Ana said you wasn't talking, she wasn't kidding!

WILL: (looks at her with a slight glare)

MEL D.: At least I got some response out of you.

WILL: (goes back to his blank expression)

MEL D.: Dam****. Um... let me look at both points... Now that you've dumped Liz, Norrington's gonna

go after her again, and since you fought so hard for her, do you really want that to

happen? (he looks at her, she continues) Now that you've got the Governor pi****ed at you,

he just might try to marry her off to him just to spite you if you decide she's who you

want. (Will takes on a thoughtful expression) On the other hand, Crystal's a great girl

who wasn't shy at all about expressing her feelings for you, and you seem to like her

back. (Will nods) So, I know what you see in Elizabeth, but what do you see in Crystal?

(hoping that question will get him to talk)

WILL: (quietly) She's outgoing.

MEL D.: (Thinking) 'Woohoo, I did it!'

WILL: She's not afraid to speak her mind.

MEL D.: (snickers) Dam**** right about that.

WILL: Elizabeth... doesn't want me to go on any more adventures with Jack once we're married and

settled down. I think that Crystal would love it.

MEL D.: (about Elizabeth) Stuck up, snooty b****tch.

WILL: But I've only just met Crystal, and I've known Elizabeth almost my whole life!

MEL D.: (snaps) So? Doncha believe in love at first sight?

WILL: (stares directly into her eyes) Yes.

MEL D.: Stop it!

WILL: (still staring) Stop what?

MEL D.: Stop staring at me like that!

WILL: (all innocence) Like what?

MEL D.: (unnerved) I mean it you lovey-dovey wimpy man!

WILL: (still staring)

MEL D.: Dam****! Stare at Crystal like that! (covers her eyes)

WILL: (busts up laughing)

MEL D.: (uncovers her eyes and glares at him) Crystal taught you to be freaky like that, didn't

she?

WILL: (goes back to the creepy staring) Like what?

MEL D.: Gahh! Stop it!

WILL: (laughing) Sorry, Crystal said that would unnerve a lot of people. I had to try it.

MEL D.: Well you're good at it. Dam****.

WILL: (goes back to being serious) I just don't know. I seriously thought I loved Elizabeth.

MEL D.: But now you're falling for Crystal.

WILL: (nods)

MEL D.: So what's the problem?

WILL: You try loving two people at the same time.

MEL D.: I don't love anybody.

WILL: But Jack—

MEL D.: Give me time.

Guest room

(Crystal is pacing the room furiously, wait for the Mel's to get back)

CRYSTAL: (growls) Where are they?

MEL'S: (walking in talking about their interviews)

MEL H.: She was all weepy and crying. I can't believe I let you talk me into talking to her!

MEL D.: Will wasn't much better. He wouldn't talk to me at all for like a whole five minutes and

when I did get him to talk he started doing this creepy eye-staring thing at me. (shivers)

CRYSTAL: (starts laughing)

MEL D.: Yah I know you taught him that!

CRYSTAL: So what did he say?

MEL D.: I don't blame him for dumping her! She told him he can't go on any more adventures with

Jack once they get married.

CRYSTAL: I would!

MEL D.: That's what he said. You're outgoing where Elizabeth's not—

CRYSTAL: And I don't act all girly in panicky situations!

MEL H.: Yeah! ''Oh my god, the pirate's are going to kill me!' (laughing)

MEL D.: 'Oh no, I gotta walk the plank!'

CRYSTAL: Oh come on guys, be nice! She is about to lose the love of her life, after all.

(all the sudden Jack bursts into the room, singing)

JACK: Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me! (has a bottle of rum in his hand)

MEL D.: Jack, where did you get that?

JACK: (hiccups) Me ship!

MEL D.: (sighs and tolls her eyes)

JACK: (giggling) Will went back to the blacksmith's. Elizabeth's cryin' 'er pretty lil' eyes out!

MEL D.: Jack, I think it's time for bed. (starts to lead him toward the couch on the other side of

the room)

JACK: I had no idea ye was so eager ta get me in the sack, luv! (winks)

MEL D.: (sighs) And I thought the guys in our time were perverted. (pushes Jack facedown on the

(couch)

JACK: (voice muffled)

MEL D.: What's ya say?

JACK: (turns his head to the side so he can speak) I said, 'Do ye want ta join me?'

MEL D.: I'll think about it. (goes over to the bed and lies down)

JACK: (pouts)

CRYSTAL: Let's go for a walk.

JACK: A walk? I wanna go fer a walk!

CRYSTAL: Stay there and sleep it off!

(Jack sticks his tongues out at her. The girls leave)

Behind mansion

MEL H.: Crap. (starts muttering)

CRYSTAL: What?

MEL H.: The governor's gonna kick us out now that Will and Elizabeth are ancient history.

CRYSTAL: Sh****t.

MEL D.: Well we could all stay with Will. He'd probably let us.

(they go find his blacksmith shop. They see him stepping outside and pulling the door closed as they approach)

CRYSTAL: Where ya goin'?

WILL: (looks startled then guilty) I'm sorry, Crystal.

CRYSTAL: Huh?

MEL'S: WHAT?!

WILL: Now that I've had time to think, I've chosen Elizabeth.

MEL D.: Time! What time?! You've only been gone an hour!

WILL: You remember what I told you, Mel.

MEL D.: So you're gonna give up Jack and the crew, too, now?

WILL: (sighs) It's what Elizabeth wants.

MEL D.: Elizabeth?! Who cares about bloody Elizabeth?!

WILL: (angry) I do.

MEL H.: Jeez Mel, calm down. You're acting like it was you who just lost Will.

CRYSTAL: Shut up! (Mel's go silent) Will...

WILL: (looks at her suspiciously)

(Crystal decks him)

CRYSTAL: That's what you get! (grabs the Mel's arms and drags them back to the mansion)

(they get up to the front door just as Commodore Norrington does)

NORRINGTON: Who are you? (in British accent that sounds fake)

MEL D.: What the Hell are _you_ doing here? (it's obvious she doesn't like the dude)

NORRINGTON: I am here because that blighter Will Turner broke off his engagement to Miss

Swann and I'm going to propose again. I think this time she'll accept on the first

try.

MEL D.: (whispers to Crystal) Don't hit us for whatever Mel and I are going to say. (Crystal gives

her a confused look) Look you fat old man, she loves Will so get over it!

NORRINGTON: But they are not together anymore—

MEL H.: Bullsh****t! He's coming back right now to fix things.

CRYSTAL: (thinking) 'Self, remind me to hit them later.'

(Will suddenly appears as the Mel's and Norrington are arguing)

WILL: What's going on?

(they stop)

NORRINGTON: (icily) Turner.

WILL: (same tone) Norrington.

(the door is flung open and there stands a teary-eyed Elizabeth. The Mel's instinctively grab Crystal's arms in case they need to hold her back)

WILL: Elizabeth!

ELIZABETH: Will!

(they run to each other and kiss)

MEL'S: (cover Crystal's eyes)

CRYSTAL: Why me?

NORRINGTON: (pi****ed, leaves)

WILL: I'm sorry Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH: It's okay.

CRYSTAL: Please, spare me!

MEL H.: Get a room!

(Crystal glares at her. Mel H. mouths a 'Sorry' to her)

MEL D.: Where's Jack?

ELIZABETH: (sighs) He and the crew went back to the _Pearl_. He said if there wasn't going to be

a wedding they were leaving.

WILL: We have to catch him! He's in the wedding!

CRYSTAL: (under breath) Which has to be tomorrow.

MEL D.: OH I'M GONNA KILL HIM! (starts running to the docks)

MEL H.: (runs after her screaming:) SH****T HE'S GONNA LEAVE US!

(Crystal follows)

(they get there just in time to see the _Pearl_ sailing in the distance)

MEL D.: (jumping up and down) JACK SPARROW YOU SONOFAB****TCH! GET BACK

HERE NOW!

CRYSTAL: Mel. (surprised) I've never seen you so mad.

MEL D.: Mad? You think I'm mad? I'm furious! He left us on this proper freaking island with all

these prim proper idiots! (cups hand to her mouth) I'LL GET YOU JACK SPARROW!

DO YOU HEAR ME? I'LL KICK YOU'RE A**** TO THE FREAKING MOON!

(kicks at a wood piling, then jumps up and down because her foot hurts)

MEL H.: Can we say 'Anger Management'?

CRYSTAL: Can we say 'stroke'?

(Jack comes out from under the dock, where he's been sitting the whole time)

JACK: Why would ye wanta kick me a**** to the moon, luv?

MEL D.: (stops hopping and gives Jack a look that says 'You're going to die')

CRYSTAL & MEL H.: (bust up laughing)

MEL D.: But— How— Man, what the Hell?!

JACK: They're docking on the other side o' the island. So's not to hint at Norrington's men. I came

looking fer the three o' you.

MEL D.: Oh.

MEL H.: Will and Liz are back together.

CRYSTAL: So Jack you gotta help us.

JACK: With what?

CRYSTAL: We're gonna kidnap Will at the wedding tomorrow, then hightail it to your ship and

getting the funk out of here!

MEL'S: Yeah!

MEL H.: And then ye Captain Jack are gonna take me to your twin!

JACK: Back to the mansion!

At mansion

(everyone is preparing for the wedding. Jack is telling the crew about the plan)

CREW: Aye!

Rehearsal dinner

(the crew is back on the ship because the Governor doesn't want them to mess everything up (meaning the tables and decorations))

GOVERNOR SWANN: (at head of table) Alright everyone!

(everyone looks)

GOVERNOR SWANN: Elizabeth, sit here. (points to his right) Will, sit here. (points to his left)

Captain Sparrow, next to Will, Anamaria, next to Elizabeth, Commodore,

next to Sparrow, and you three young ladies by Anamaria. (everyone sits)

CRYSTAL: Norrington, when did you get here?! (she just noticed him)

NORRINGTON: That's Commodore to you, and I'm part of the ceremony.

CRYSTAL: (confused) Okay...

MEL D.: Maybe we could be part of it! Crystal will walk down with Commodore Nightingale over

here, and me and Mel will walk down together!

MEL H.: Yeah!

CRYSTAL: No!

NORRINGTON: It's Norrington.

MEL D.: Uh-oh. I think the Commodore is getting acute psycho displays; he's talking to himself.

CRYSTAL & MEL H.: (laugh)

NORRINGTON: I could have you three arrested.

GIRLS: (shut up)

JACK: (gives them a look)

MEL D.: Sorry.

GOVERNOR: Alright, moving on.

(servants come out and serve food. Everyone eats)

GIRLS: (huddled around each other, whispering)

CRYSTAL: Okay, so the plan is that when the priest asks if anyone objects to the wedding, I

swing down by the rope and grab him, but if I miss or drop him, you two will be behind

me to catch him.

MEL'S: Right.

Crystal: So we bust through a window to get out, Jack jumps out after us, then we run like Hell to

the _Pearl_.

MEL D.: We're all gonna hafta carry Will 'cause he'll probably try to fight us.

MEL H.: Okay. Well ya know, we'll be in a church, so let's suggest they open the windows 'cause I

don't wanna break a church.

MEL D.: Okay, but let's get Jack to do it. It might look suspicious if one of us says it because they

all know we're objecting to this wedding and they might get suspicious.

CRYSTAL: Good thinking.

MEL H.: Look, Will and Elizabeth are dancing, so get Jack to dance and tell him.

MEL D.: Okay. (goes to Jack and asks him to dance)

JACK: Why?

MEL D.: (raises an eyebrow) What to you mean "Why?"?

JACK: Why do ye want to dance?

MEL D.: 'Cause I do. (pulls on his arm)

JACK: But I don't.

MEL D.: (glares at him) It puts you in a good position to grab my butt and I can't stop you.

JACK: (brightens) I've changed me mind! (stands and pulls her near Will and Elizabeth)

MEL D.: (puts her arms around his neck and leans like she's hugging him)

JACK: (wraps arms around her waist)

MEL D.: Okay, I need you to do me a favor.

JACK: (cheeky) Anythin', luv.

MEL D.: I need you to suggest that the windows be open in the church during the ceremony.

JACK: Oh I see. That's why ye want ta dance with me, to give me orders. (yells) Well I won't

have it!

(they get strange looks)

MEL D.: Shh! (pulls his head down to hers) You agreed to be part of the conspiracy, I'm telling you

what you need to do!

JACK: (starts to pull away) But that's still the only reason ye want ta dance with me!

MEL D.: (pulls him back) Is not! You're my boyfriend and I like to dance, that and the only way I

could tell you that part of the plan was to get you alone and I have accomplished that!

So shut up and dance!

JACK: Alright, luv, alright. (pauses) Do I still get to grab yer arse?

MEL D.: (sighs, annoyed)

Later

(everyone is seated back around the table)

JACK: Excuse me, I jest had a thought; since it's goin' ta be so hot tomorra', why don't ye leave the

windows in the church open?

GOVERNOR SWANN: It does sound like a nice idea but the windows are all stained glass and

don't open.

JACK: Oh. (gives Mel D. an apologetic smile)

CRYSTAL: (thinking) 'Yeah! Breaking glass is fun! Whoo!'

MEL D.: (thinking) Dam****! It'll take forever to make more stained glass!'

MEL H.: (playing with her napkin, depressed. Thinks) 'I can't wait for this all to be over and I'm in

Tortuga with Jack's twin. Wait a second, Hell, I don't even know his name!' (out loud)

Jack!

JACK: Yeah, luv?

MEL H.: What's your brothers' name?

JACK: What? Oh, me twin! Jon-Michael. Why?

MEL H.: Because you said you would hook us up and I just realized you never told me his name.

JACK: Oh. Right.

MEL H.: Okay then.

GOVERNOR SWANN: Well everyone, the hour is late and the bride and groom need their rest.

CRYSTAL: What time is it?

GOVERNOR SWANN: 8:00.

CRYSTAL: (raises her eyebrows at him) What? Dude, I stay up _way_ later than that!

ELIZABETH: We arise at dawn to ready for the 10:00 A.M. ceremony.

CRYSTAL: Oh, well. (looks at the Mel's) Time for bed, guys.

MEL'S: Yup.

MEL D.: Come on, Jack.

JACK: What if I don't want to?

MEL D.: Then you're sleeping in the hallway.

JACK: (fakes a yawn) Well look at the time! Bloody hell. I think it be time fer me beauty rest.

MEL D.: (rolls eyes) Let's go.

(they leave)

Guest room

(Mel H. and Crystal flop down on the bed, Mel D. goes over to the couch)

JACK: So ye decided ta join ol' Jack, eh? (winks)

MEL D.: For lack of a better phrase, yes. (lies on her back and crosses her arms behind her head,

closes her eyes) I wonder what Janel and Alie are doing?

JACK: Who? (tries to get her to scoot over so he can lie down)

CRYSTAL: Yeah. I miss them.

MEL H.: It'd be cool if they were here.

CRYSTAL: Wait till we tell them what happened when we get back!

MEL D.: _If_ we get back.

(Crystal and Mel H. are silent, wondering the same thing)

JACK: Quit thinkin' such gloomy thoughts, luv's! Mel D., ye have me, Crystal, ye'll soon 'ave Will,

and Mel H. ye'll get me twin Jon-Michael!

MEL H.: But what if he has a girlfriend?!

CRYSTAL: Then we'll blast her straight to Hell!

JACK: Naw, I jest saw him the day we left Tortuga, before headin' ta Port Royal and then the

three o' ye showed up on me ship, he's single.

MEL H.: Awesome.

CRYSTAL: So the plan holds up?

JACK: I'm afraid me girl didn't give me the full explanation. Care to enlighten me?

CRYSTAL: Sure. (tells him)

JACK: Savvy!

CRYSTAL: Okay then, so it's settled. Now let's go to sleep so we can wake up early.

(they go to sleep)

Next morning

(Mel H. and Crystal are awake and watching Jack and Mel D. sleep)

JACK: (further towards the end of the couch, has his arms wrapped around Mel D. and his head on

her stomach) Drink up me 'earties, yo ho...

CRYSTAL & MEL H.: (giggle)

MEL D.: (awakens to Jack moving around. Sees his position) For God's sake, Jack! (tries to push

him off, but he just tightens his hold) Wake up. Wake up, Jack. (gently shakes him)

JACK: Really bad eggs.

MEL D.: Help.

CRYSTAL & MEL H.: (start laughing)

MEL D.: (turns to glare at them) You were awake?!

MEL H.: Watching you two is funny!

CRYSTAL: I think Jack's drooling on your stomach.

MEL D.: What?! (springs up and ends up falling off the couch. Jack snorts and both that and her

jumping startles him awake)

JACK: Bloody 'ell, woman!

MEL D.: (checks her shirt, no drool. Glares at Crystal who grins, then turns back to Jack) Don't

you 'woman' me! You're the one huggin' on me like I'm some dam**** teddy bear!

JACK: (pouts) Why are ye always so mean ta me?

MEL D.: I am?

CRYSTAL: Uh, yeah!

MEL H.: No matter what he does you snap at him!

MEL D.: Oh. (looks down) I'm sorry. I do that. I don't mean to.

JACK: (grins) S'all right, luv. No 'ard feelin's.

MEL D.: Okay. Now let's go crash that wedding!

30 minutes before wedding

(the whole morning was spent finalizing their plans, and while the house was distracted preparing Elizabeth, the girls snuck over to the church and looked around. It was all set up, and empty, and really tall. Before they'd gone to the church they'd gone to the _Pearl_ and gotten some rope and a ladder. They figured out their positions and Crystal climbed to the top where she was going to swing down)

CRYSTAL: Okay, I'll be waiting for you. You know the short-cut Jack told you to go through to

get here before everyone?

MEL H.: Yeah.

CRYSTAL: Okay then go. I'll be here.

(the Mel's quickly run back to the mansion)

Mansion

(the Mel's snuck through the back kitchen door and up to their rooms till Jack came to get them)

JACK: (open door) Time to go, luv's.

MEL D.: We're not going.

JACK: What?! Will said ye should walk down the aisle with me! (looks around to see no one's

listening, then comes in and shuts the door) What about the plan?

MEL H.: We're going through with it, but we're leaving a few minutes after everyone else does and

taking your short-cut to the church.

JACK: Oh. Where's Crystal?

MEL D.: At the church.

JACK: Oh.

(there's a knock at the door)

MEL H.: We're coming!

(they go into the hall to see Elizabeth)

MEL D.: Oh. Hi.

ELIZABETH: Are you coming?

MEL D.: No.

ELIZABETH: Where's Crystal?

MEL H.: Sulking. We're supporting her.

ELIZABETH: Okay. (leaves)

JACK: (about to follow)

MEL D.: (stops him) Don't screw this up. (kisses him)

JACK: Aye-aye, luv! (leaves)

(the Mel's watch from their window until everyone leaves, then leave themselves and rush through the short-cut to the church. They get there just in time, and still no one's there yet. They take there positions next to Crystal and pull the ladder up with them and lay it behind them. They are sitting unnoticed on a support piling. (they've already dressed in their pirate garb))

5 minutes later

(the church is filled and it's really hot from all the body heat. The women are fanning themselves while all the children squirm uncomfortably. The men just sit there looking bored. Jack, looking ridiculous in a suit and tie, the rats combed out of his hair and it's pulled back at the nape of his neck, squirms in his spot, not liking staying in the same place for too long. Will looks so nervous you'd think he was going to puke. All the sudden the wedding music starts and the flower girl starts walking down the aisle, followed by Anamaria, and then Elizabeth. The preacher goes on and on with the first part of the ceremony)

CRYSTAL: Get ready for it.

(they girls quietly take their positions)

PREACHER: For any of those who object, speak now or forever hold you piece.

CRYSTAL: I object! (pushes off on the rope and is laughing like a maniac while brandishing a

sword)

(everyone gasps)

MEL D.: Where did she get that sword?

MEL H.: Who knows.

(Crystal successfully catches Will and crashes through the window)

MEL H.: Sh****t, go, go, go!

(She and Mel D. grab hold of their rope and swing down, screaming the whole way. They fly through the window and Jack and Anamaria jump out after them)

ANAMARIA: Jack Sparrow, you f****cking a****hole!

ELIZABETH: Come back with my groom!

NORRINGTON: Gillette, gather your men! After them!

WILL: (struggling with Crystal) Unhand me!

(the Mel's and Crystal grab Will and are carrying him while Jack and Ana lead the way to the _Pearl_)

CRYSTAL: Will, be quiet!

(they are carrying a protesting Will to the _Pearl _when Crystal, who had Will by the shoulders, trips and they all fall, making Will hit his head and rendering him unconscious)

MEL D.: Da****it Crystal, watch it!

CRYSTAL: Oh I see it's all my fault now! It's always my fault! Blame Crystal, blame me

because whatever happens to you guys it's becaus of me!

MEL H.: Crystal it _was_ your fault.

CRYSTAL: Well is there anything else that's my fault?!

MEL D.: You was born!

CRYSTAL: Oh no you can't blame me for that! It's not my fault I was born, I didn't choose to be!

My mom and dad got married and pregnant and had me! You wanta blame someone for

that then blame them!

MEL D.: (slightly off subject) I knew we shouldn't have let her carry him at the head.

MEL H.: At least he's not making any more noise.

CRYSTAL: (sighs in exasperation)

JACK: (way ahead with Anamaria) Hurry up!

(they hurry up and make it on the ship and sail away just as Norrington and his men come upon them)

NORRINGTON: (lifts his gun, so do his men) Fire!

CRYSTAL: Hahaha Norrington! You can't catch us!

NORRINGTON: To the _Dauntless_!

JACK: Nice going.

CRYSTAL: Oh, shut up.

ANAMARIA: Take the lad to the crew's quarters', I guess.

(the girls take Will down to the crew's quarters' and lay him on a bed. Crystal stays with him while the Mel's go back up on deck. They spot Jack at the helm, steering, and go over to him)

MEL D.: (puts an arm around Jack's waist and looks out at the sea) Hey Jack.

JACK: (staring at the sea) I think we lost them.

Port Royal

(at the docks, the navy is boarding the _Dauntless_ to chase after the _Pearl_)

GILLETTE: (looking out of telescope) I don't see them, sir.

NORRINGTON: (takes telescope, sighs) Nor I.

(the _Pearl_ is long gone)


	2. Kidnappers

_Black Pearl_

(Crystal is down below in the crew's quarters' with Will, dabbing his forehead with a cool cloth. He has a nasty gash from where he hit his head)

CRYSTAL: Sorry about that, Will.

WILL: Sure you are.

CRYSTAL: I thought you were asleep!

WILL: I've been awake for a while.

CRYSTAL: What?! (she has been mumbling about how much she loves him the whole time)

(the Mel's come down to see if Crystal needs anything, and have also brought her and Will supper)

CRYSTAL: Yeah, some rum.

MEL D.: Yup. (she goes to get the rum)

MEL H.: Will, you up to eating?

WILL: Depends on who cooked.

MEL H.: Me and Mel D.

WILL: Still depends.

CRYSTAL: (already eating) Mmph 's good!

WILL : (slightly suspicious)

MEL H.: Oh come on Will. We already knocked you out once! What makes you think we'll do it

again?

WILL: (contemplates) Well, alright.

MEL H.: (grins and helps him sit up) Here. (hands him the plate)

(it's just some meat and gravy with biscuits, since that's the only stuff decent the Mel's could find)

WILL: (takes a small bite) Very good.

MEL H.: (brightens)

(Mel D. comes down with a big bottle of rum and four shot glasses)

CRYSTAL: (finished eating and picks up the cloth she was using for Will) I meant that for the cut

on his head, but he's probably thirsty too.

MEL H.: Hey Mel, he likes our food!

MEL D.: (to Will) Really?

WILL: (almost finished) Yes.

MEL D.: Awesome! Mel H. cooked the meat, I made the biscuits and gravy.

MEL H.: That's because Mel D. can't cook meat right.

MEL D.: Well you'd burn the gravy!

MEL H.: I would not!

MEL D.: Gravy burner!.

WILL: Ladies, ladies! Please don't argue! It's all very good.

CRYSTAL: (dumps some rum on the cloth) Okay Will, this is gonna sting.

WILL: I know.

(Crystal presses the cloth to his cut and he winces)

MEL H.: Well I'm gonna go see if Ana will teach me how to sword fight.

MEL D.: I'm gonna go see what Jack's up to.

(the Mel's leave)

WILL: (sighs) Crystal, why?

CRYSTAL: (drinking) Why what?

WILL: Why did you kidnap me?

CRYSTAL: Why not?

WILL: But—

CRYSTAL: Let's play a drinking game!

WILL: What?

(Crystal throws him a shot glass and Will ducks. The glass shatters against the wall)

CRYSTAL: (under breath) Clumsy... (throws him another and this time he catches it) Okay, the

game is whoever knows the most about Orlando Bloom. (she's slightly drunk, so

she's forgotten that Will has no idea who Orlando Bloom is)

WILL: Orlando who?

CRYSTAL: What do you mean "Orlando who"?! He's only the hottest, gorgeousest, sexiest

human being alive!

WILL: Oh boy.

On deck

(Jack and Mel D. are at the helm talking)

JACK: ... and then they made me their chief. Fantastic people really. But a little odd. Obsessed

with raisins. Humiliated grapes, really. And eunuch's, every one of 'em!

MEL D.: Fascinating. (ever since watching the movie, she's always wanted to know the history

behind that story)

A.N.: But then again, I didn't really make on up to go with it, did I? He he! You're all still left in

the dark!

JACK: Hey luv?

MEL D.: Hmm?

JACK: Where are you from, really?

MEL D.: (sighs) It's complicated.

JACK: Isn't everythin'?

MEL D.: (shakes head) Too long to explain.

JACK: We've got time.

MEL D.: Alright. (tells him everything)

JACK: (stays silent for a while, then speaks) So yer from... the _future_?

MEL D.: Yep.

JACK: (whispers) Tha's very interesting. (takes on a thoughtful expression)

MEL D.: (recognizes the look) Jack, what are you thinking?

JACK: Hmm? Oh nothin' luv. Nothin' a'tal.

The galley

(Anamaria is teaching Mel H. how to use a cutlass)

ANAMARIA: (swipes at Mel H. with a surprise attack)

MEL H.: Ahh! (drops the sword and covers her face, falling onto her back)

ANAMARIA: (laughs) No lass, yer not supposed to do that! Something like that will get ye killed

in a real fight. (helps her up and hands her the sword)

MEL H.: (blushes, embarrassed, and takes the sword)

ANAMARIA: I'll go slower this time. Now watch. (goes back through the routine) And then you

parry my blow. Try it.

MEL H.: (parries)

ANAMARIA: Good! Now watch this. (tries another move and Mel H. parries that) Okay, no I'm

going to the regular speed.

(she does and Mel parries it)

ANAMARIA: Good!

MEL H.: I'm getting it!

ANAMARIA: Ye'll be able to defend yerself in no time, lass!

Tortuga

(it's been three days and they've finally reached Tortuga. Will is thinking about forgiving Crystal for kidnapping him, Mel H. is more hyper than usual at the thought of meeting Jon-Michael, and Mel D. and Jack are much closer Yay!)

JACK: (to the crew) Will, the lasses and I are to go ashore. Business to attend to. Ye all are

free ta do what ye wish, but are to be back on the _Pearl_ at 9:00 a.m. sharp or we be

leavin' without ye!

CREW: Aye, sir!

JACK: Excellent!

(the girls and guys go into the town)

JACK: (stops in the center of the town square, inhales deeply) I tell ya mates, tis a sad life that

has never breathed deep the sweet, poliferous bouquet that is Tortuga, savvy?

WILL: (sarcastically) It'll linger.

(Mel D. and Jack are holding hands. A red-headed whore sees this and storms up to him)

JACK: Scarlett!

SCARLETT: (slaps him and storms away)

JACK: Not sure I deserved that.

(a blonde is now standing in front of him)

JACK: Giselle.

GISELLE: 'ho's she? (referring to Mel D.)

JACK: What? (she slaps him and storms away) I did not deserve that.

(the girls and Will are laughing at him)

A.N.: This sound familiar? lol

JACK: Twas not funny.

MEL D.: Yes it was! (laughing hysterically) But it's okay, I still love you. (hugs him)

JACK: Oh so ye love me now?

MEL D.: (startled, realizing what she said) Uh...

WILL: I thought you didn't love anybody?

MEL D.: Well I guess I do now.

JACK: I don't 'afta say it back, do I?

MEL D.: (sighs) No Jack, you don't have to say it back right now.

MEL H.: I don't think the word 'love' in Jack's vocabulary.

(all the sudden a Jack look-a-like is there, and he punches Jack)

MEL D.: Now he really didn't deserve that!

(Jack is on the ground, holding his dizzy head)

MEL H.: Are you Jon-Michael?

JON-MICHAEL: (staring at her, wide-eyed and open-mouthed)

MEL D.: (helping Jack up, sees Jon looking at Mel H. like he just saw his first ship. Giggles)

MEL H.: What're you staring at? Do I have something on my face?

A.N.: About the ship thing, ship's are referred to as 'she/her' and I'm not being disgusting! It goes

along with the phrase, 'he was staring at her like he just saw his first Trans Am.' Don't know

where I heard that before...

JACK: Jon, wha' the 'ell was tha' fer?!

JON-MICHAEL: Ye left without me!

JACK: Ye were too bloody drunk ta function properly! I told ya the night before we left 'do not

get pi**** drunk' and wha' do ye do?! Ye get pi**** drunk!

JON-MICHAEL: But yer me brother! Brothers' stick together!

MEL H.: Yeah Jack, how could you?

JACK: Oh shut up!

MEL D.: Don't tell my best friend to shut up!

MEL H.: Yeah!

MEL D.: Oh shut up! If it had been the other way around, Jon would have left Jack!

CRYSTAL: Everybody shut up! God I am sick of this!

WILL: Uh, let's go to the tavern now, shall we?

JACK: Right! Rum! (heads toward _The_ _Faithful Bride_)

_The Faithful Bride_

(this tavern has a sign hanging over the door that has a bride in shackles, hence, _The Faithful Bride_)

JACK: (picks a table near the back) This is the best tavern ye'll ever find in Tortuga!

MEL D.: (looking around) The best?

JACK: The most decent.

(a barmaid comes up and asks them what they want to drink)

JACK: Six pints o' rum!

(she goes to get the rum)

CRYSTAL: (whispers to Mel H.) Yo Mel, I think Jon-Michael like you!

MEL H.: Well he is pretty hott!

MEL D.: Ooh! Melly H. has a b/f!

JON-MICHAEL: So how was the wedding? (to Jack)

WILL: I wouldn't know.

JON-MICHAEL: Huh?

JACK: He be the groom. An' tha' lass over there- (points to Crystal)- with the help o' her friends

–(points to the Mel's)- kidnapped him during the ceremony.

WILL: You helped them, Jack!

JACK: Aye? (meaning, 'And yer point bein'?')

WILL : The navy will be looking for me.

CRYSTAL: No they won't.

WILL: Yes they will.

CRYSTAL: Well they'll never find you.

MEL H.: Uh, Crystal, I don't think that's very comforting to him right now.

CRYSTAL: Oh, right. (to Will) You'll always be in places where they'll never look.

MEL H.: (shakes her head)

JON-MICHAEL: So lasses, what be yer names?

JACK: Tha' be Crystal, Mel H. and Mel D. (points to each of them)

JON-MICHAEL: I think they can answer themselves, Jack.

MEL D.: Yeah!

JACK: (holds hands up) Sorry.

(Mel H. is now sitting next to Jon-Michael and they are talking)

JON-MICHAEL: So how long 'ave ye known Jack?

MEL H.: A few days.

JON-MICHAEL: An' he already bagged one o' yer friends?

MEL D.: Hey! There is no 'bagging' going on!

MEL H.: I don't think he meant it like that.

JACK: Actually he did.

MEL D.: (throws her mug at JM but he catches it)

JACK: Well what can ye expect, luv? We're pirates.

MEL D.: Perverted pirates.

JON-MICHAEL: (smiles) And proud of it!

MEL H.: (rolls her eyes) Hey, where'd Crystal and Will go?

Crystal & Will

(they are on their way back to the _Pearl_ because they got bored listening to the others)

CRYSTAL: So Will are you really mad at me? You don't hate me or anything?

WILL: (sighs) No. I'm actually relieved.

CRYSTAL: You are?

WILL: Yes. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for marriage.

CRYSTAL: Cool.

WILL: So... (looks around) What should we do in the mean time?

CRYSTAL: (grins) Do you know how to play poker?

_Faithful Bride_

MEL D.: Jack play _War_ with me.

JACK: I love _War_! (whips out a deck of cards) Prolly the best game 'sides poker! (deals)

MEL H.: I always thought it was boring.

JON-MICHAEL: Me too.

JACK: Cuz yer a eunuch.

MEL D.: Now what does _War_ being boring have to do with Jon being a eunuch?

JACK: (shrugs) C'mon luv, play!

MEL D.: Okay!

JON-MICHAEL: Where are ye from?

MEL H.: Um...

MEL D.: It's okay Mel, Jack already knows, so go ahead.

MEL H.: We're from the future. 2004.

JON-MICHAEL: No way.

MEL H.: Yes way.

JON-MICAHEL: Ye can't be!

JACK: Actually they are.

MEL D.: War!

JACK: Bloody hell!

(they play out the War, Mel D. gets the cards)

MEL D.: Ye 'ave pretty lousy luck, mate.

JACK: Since when did ye begin ta talk like a pirate? (sarcastically)

MEL D.: Since now.

MEL H.: So you and your brother captain the _Black Pearl_ together?

JACK: The only captain o' the _Pearl_ is me!

MEL H.: I believe I was talking to Jon-Michael.

JON-MICHAEL: The _Pearl_ be Jack's, I be the first mate.

MEL H.: What kind of captain strands his first mate in Tortuga?

MEL D.: He disobeyed the captain's orders.

JACK: Fer doin' tha' I should've made ye walk the plank! Be grateful I only left ye here!

MEL H.: But Jack he's your brother!

JACK: I be Captain Jack to ye, missy! And he may be me brother but I am his captain!

MEL D.: Okay Jack, calm down. Just play.

JACK: (grumbles about how 'no one bloody listens ta me' and 'bloody whelp brother')

MEL H.: Anyways... (glares at Jack) do you think we should be getting back to the ship?

JACK: Yep.

MEL D.: You're only saying that cuz you're losing!

JACK: Bloody women.

MEL D.: (laughs) I win!

JACK: I ain't playin' cards with ye anymore!

MEL D.: Crybaby.

MEL H.: (starts laughing) Crybaby!

MEL D.: (laughing)

MEL H.: Yeah, Johnny was so hott in that! I miss the purr.

MEL D.: Jack can you purr?

JACK: (purrs)

MEL D.: (giggles)

MEL H.: Jon-Michael can you purr?

JON-MICHAEL: (purrs)

MEL H.: (shivers and grins) Just like Johnny!

MEL D.: I think we should go back to the ship and get more acquainted with our men.

JON-MICHAEL: (to Mel H.) So soon, luv? (winks)

MEL D.: Not like that ya sick freak!

MEL H.: (giggles) He called me 'luv'!

JACK: (pouting)

MEL D.: Anyways let's go. Maybe Will and Crystal are there.

(they leave)

_Black Pearl_

(Crystal and Will are on deck talking)

CRYSTAL: God, I wonder where the others are.

WILL: Knowing Jack he probably got them lost.

CRYSTAL: Haha!

WILL: I've been wondering about you and your companions.

CRYSTAL: What about us?

WILL: Where do you come from?

CRYSTAL: Well it's kind of hard to believe, but we're from the future.

WILL: (blinks) The future.

CRYSTAL: Yep. 2004.

WILL: That's not possible.

CRYSTAL: Actually it is.

WILL: But—

(he is cut off by Mel H.)

MEL H.: There you two are! We've been looking all over the town for you!

CRYSTAL: Are you drunk?

MEL H.: Nope! Guess what?

CRYSTAL: What?

MEL H.: We're gonna play poker!

CRYSTAL: Cool! Will and I were gonna play but forgot.

(everyone goes into Jack's room. Jack sets up a table)

CRYSTAL: We should play strip poker.

WILL: Strip poker?

CRYSTAL: Every time you lose you have to take off a piece of your clothes.

A.N.: By they way, we are back in our old clothes.

MEL H.: (whispers to Crystal) But we have more articles of clothing than they do.

CRYSTAL: (whispers back) Exactly.

MEL D.: Dammit I forgot how to play!

JACK: I like the sound o' tha'!

MEL D.: Shut up!

CRYSTAL: Here I'll show you. (walks her through the steps)

MEL D.: Kay, I got it.

(they begin)

A half hour later...

(Will, the Mel's and Crystal are down to their underwears)

MEL D.: I hate this game.

JACK: 'Fraid I'll have ta disagree with ye on tha', luv.

MEL D.: Shut up.

CRYSTAL: (thinking) 'Naked Will!'

MEL H.: (thinking) 'Dam**** Jon-Michael for winning!'

MEL D.: (slams cards down) Dam****it I fold! I'm not taking my bra off!

MEL H.: Me too. (throws her cards down)

CRYSTAL: Ha! I still got my socks on!

MEL'S: Shut up, Crystal!

CRYSTAL: Fine!

WILL: Is four aces good?

(the remaining players throw their cards down)

REMAINING PLAYERS: Fold. (take off an article of clothing)

CRYSTAL: Okay now I quit.

(Jack and Jon-Michael are down to their pants and boots except for Will who is down to his pants)

A.N.: IDK if men wore underwear in this time!

WILL: I hope you know that I was only asking.

JACK: Ye bluffed us?

WILL: (grins)

JACK: Really 'ave rubbed off on ye, 'aven't I, lad? Getting' ta be just like Bootstrap!

JON-MICHAEL: (mutters) Bloody whelp.

CRYSTAL: Hey!

JACK: Well, seein' as we're all bored with the game, what say you we break out the rum?

CRYSTAL: Rum, goody!

MEL'S: (sing) Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!

(Jack breaks out the rum. Everyone gets drunk)

2 hours later...

(everyone is singing the pirate's song)

WILL: (passes out)

CRYSTAL: Dam****. (passes out)

MEL D.: Haha! (hiccups and passes out)

JACK: Bloody Hell. (goes to his bed, lies down and goes to sleep)

JON-MICHAEL: So Mel it's just us alone now.

MEL H.: Uh-huh. (burps and passes out)

JON-MICHAEL: F****ck. (looks around, he's the only one still up. Passes out)

Next morning

(everyone has killer hangovers)

MEL D.: Bloody cursed rum!

MEL H.: Never again.

CRYSTAL: Oh you know you will.

MEL'S: (sigh) Yeah.

JON-MICHAEL: I lasted longer 'an all o' ye!

JACK: I only went ta sleep because me girl was passed out!

JON-MICHAEL: Whatever.

WILL: Stop shouting!

CRYSTAL: They're not.

JACK: We need ta get ye drunk more often, William.

WILL: (holding head) No thank you.

JACK: Well after a while ye won't feel a thing.

GIBBS: (comes up) Captain there be a ship 'bout an hour away. Looks like a merchant ship, but...

JACK: Prepare the crew.

MEL D.: (sings) We pillage and plunder and rifle and loot!

CRYSTAL & MEL H.: Not now!

MEL D.: Fine, god!

CRSYTAL: I am Satan.

MEL H.: Yeah we know.

CRYSTAL: I am a child of the KORN!

MEL D.: KORN the band or corn the food?

CRYSTAL: The band!  
MEL D.: I am an Evanescent child.

WILL: You disappear in a fine vapor?

MEL D.: You really know your vocabulary.

MEL H.: I am a child of Grace.

MEL'S: (sing) I hate everything about you, why do I love you?

JON-MICHAEL: What kind of music is that?

MEL D.: Angry music. (cries) I want my Rock!

CRYSTAL: I want my KORN!

MEL H.: I wants it, I wants it. My precioussss!

GIRLS: Stupid fat hobbitses.

GUYS: (give them strange looks)

CRYSTAL: Merry!

MEL D.: Sam!

MEL H.: Gollum!

JACK: Who?

MEL H.: (singing) My milkshake brings the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours,

dam**** right, it's better than yours, I could teach you, but I'd have to charge!

MEL D.: No I hate that song! Ahh!

CRYSTAL: Fine then, sing your stupid songs! KORN rules them all!

MEL H.: Fine we will!

MEL D.: (sings) I'm broken when I'm open, and I don't feel like I am strong enough. Cuz I'm broken

when I'm lonesome and I don't feel right when you're gone away!

MEL H.: That's a great song.

MEL D.: Yah...mmm.. Shaun Morgan from Seether is so hott.

JACK: (jealous) Who?!

MEL H.: A singer that Mel used to like.

MEL D.: (sighs) Some feelings never die.

JACK: HEY! Who the 'ell 'er ye talkin' 'bout, woman?

MEL D.: Don't you 'woman' me!

CRYSTAL: Here we go.

JACK: I wanna know who yer talkin' 'bout!

MEL D.: You don't need to know!

JACK: Why not?!  
MEL D.: Because you'll never meet him!

CRYSTAL: Hey, look at me! (is swinging on a rope from the mast) Whee!

WILL: Crystal get down before you get hurt! (running after her)

MEL'S: (knowing Crystal and all the possibilities of danger, join Will) Crystal, stop!

CRYSTAL: Haha! Can't catch me! (swings off from the mast again)

JON-MICHAEL & JACK: (laughing)

MEL'S: Crystal get down!

CRYSTAL: (sticks tongue out) You all should try this! It's so mu— (rope snaps and Crystal falls,

landing on the deck) Ouch.

MEL H.: We told you.

CRYSTAL: Shut up. Oh, my butt.

MEL H.: Too bad it wasn't your head.

CRYSTAL: What?

MEL H.: Would've knocked some sense into you.

CRYSTAL: Neva!

MEL D.: Stop doing that! Johnny is not gay!

JACK: WHO?!

MEL D.: Johnny Depp.

MEL H.: Jack, do I sense a little jealousy? (turns to Mel D.) Your man is a little possessive.

MEL D.: I know and it's scary.

JACK: Well if ye'd quit talkin' 'bout other men!

MEL D.: What about all the women in your life before me?

CRYSTAL: They act like they're a f****cking married couple.

MEL H.: Yah. (pauses) Maybe we should leave.

CRYSTAL: Yah.

(they all leave Mel D. and Jack to their argument)

Below deck

(Crystal and Jon-Michael are doing shots. Will and Mel H. are watching in fascination as the empty rum bottles keep piling up)

MEL H.: Dam**** Crystal, I didn't know you could drink like that.

CRYSTAL: (belches) I'm not as think as you drunk I am!

MEL H.: (Turns to Will) Oh, she's smashed.

WILL: 'Smashed'?

MEL H.: Blown-out drunk.

WILL: (eyes Crystal) I agree.

JON-MICHAEL: (slurred) You know I'm going to win!

CRYSTAL: Dare to dream!

JON-MICHAEL: Oh I'm doing both!

WILL: Did that make any sense?

MEL H.: Nope.

WILL: This is why I don't drink.

MEL H.: What? What is why you don't drink?

WILL: The way they're acting. Not knowing what they're saying and being foolish.

MEL H.: (laughs)

WILL: What?

MEL H.: You said 'foolish'.

WILL: What so funny about that?

MEL H.: Nevermind.

CRYSTAL: (slurring) C'mon Mikey, give up. You know you can't beat me!

JON-MICHAEL: I've been gulping like a fish a lo' longer'n ye, missy!

CRYSTAL: I could drink your overage a**** under the table any day!

JON-MICHAEL: Wanna go?!

CRYSTAL: Yah! Let's take this outside! Then we can take it outside outside, then we can take

it outside outside outside, then back inside!

JON-MICHAEL: How can we take it outside again if we're _already_ outside?!

CRYSTAL: We're _inside_ you dummy!

JON-MICHAEL: Then let's go outside!

CRYSTAL: Then back inside!

JON-MICHAEL: Then back outside!

CRYSTAL: Then back inside!

JON-MICHAEL: (stands up) Then back outside!

CRYSTAL: (stand up) Then—whoa... (passes out)

JON-MICHAEL: Ha! Told ye ye would lose! (passes out)

MEL H.: Wow.

WILL: That was... interesting.

MEL H.: Every day with Crystal is an adventure.

(Mel D. comes in)

MEL D.: Whoa... what happened?

MEL H.: They were doing shots, then JM said 'Wanna go?' and Crystal started in with her 'We'll

take this outside outside' speech.

MEL D.: One of those things where I had to be there?

MEL H.: Yep.

MEL D.: Enough said. (observes Crystal) No more booze for the Orli lover.

MEL H.: Yah, more for us.

MEL D.: Hey let's have a drinking game.

MEL H.: Yah! Will, wanna join?

WILL: I think I'll pass.

MEL D.: C'mon Will, it's fun!

WILL: Well...

30 minutes later...

(all three are pi**** drunk and laughing hysterically at nothing)

MEL H.: Ooooooh! Pretty colors!

MEL D.: (starts to sing) Weeee... pillage and plunder and rifle and loot!

WILL: (sings) Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

MEL D.: (sings) We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot!

WILL: (sings) Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!

BOTH: (singing) Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!

MEL H.: (tying Jon-Michael to the bed w/rope. Giggles) All done!

MEL D.: What done?

MEL H.: I tied him to the bed, now he's stuck forever!

WILL: (laughs)

(Jack bursts in the room)

JACK; What the bloody 'ell'er ye'all doin' ta me room?!

MEL D.: (vaguely remembers their argument. Picks up a full bottle of rum and flings it at him)

(Jack quickly shuts the door so he doesn't get hit and the bottle smashes. He opens the door again)

JACK: Bloody 'ell woman, that was me good rum!

MEL D.: (picks up another bottle) I know I'm drunk Jack, but I also know I'm mad at you for some

reason soooo... you better leave a'fore I do something drastic! Like toss all the rum

overboard!

(Jack looks truly frightened by this threat and slams the door)

WILL: (shaking head) Perfectly good rum gone to waste.

MEL H.: I need to pass out. Jon-Michael, scoot over. (tries to push him over and realizes he's tied

to the bed) How the hell did you get tied to the bed?

MEL D.: Let's untie him. I need to pass out on something soft this time.

MEL H.: Okay.

(they try to untie him but end up making the knots even worse)

MEL H.: Oh f****ck. (passes out)

MEL D.: Yah. (passes out)

WILL: (goes into Jack's closet, thinking he was walking out the door) Oh. (goes back and passes

out in front of the door)

On deck

(it was a merchant ship that Gibbs spotted, and they raid it)

JACK: It's a rum ship! I've died and gone to Heaven!

MEL D.: Well I've died and gone to Hell!

JACK: Where did ye come from? And what did ye mean?

MEL D.: I'm having an out-of-body experience, and I'm here with you, aren't I?

JACK: That's an insult.

MEL D.: Naw!

(Jon-Michael stumbles out of the cabin and makes his way over to them)

JON-MICHAEL: What're we doin'?

MEL D.: Wouldn't you like to know!

JON-MICHAEL: What crawled up yer arse and died?

(Mel D. runs back into the cabin)

JACK: Women.

Cabin

MEL D.: Jack is such an a****hole!

MEL H.: (cranky because of her hangover) Why?

MEL D.: You wanna know about our argument last night?

MEL H.: (under breath) Not really.

MEL D.: (didn't hear her) Well I'll tell ya! He basically told me I have no freedom now! No

freedom to go on my own, to look at other men, and he's even trying to pressure me into—

(Jack bursts in)

JACK: Mel we 'afta talk.

MEL D.: Go eat a monkey turd!

JACK: Captain's orders!

MEL D.: Like I f****cking care!

(Mel H. has an empty rum bottle in hand. She winds up and throws it at Jack. It hits him in the stomach)

JACK: Dam**** it!

MEL H.: Jerk!

MEL D.: (laughing) That's what you get!

WILL: Stop yelling!

CRYSTAL: Before I take my foot to you're a****es!

MEL D.: I want to got home!

JACK: Ye are home, luv.

MEL D.: Not with you! I want to go back to 2004, with my computer and CD player and family!

MEL H.: Yah!

CRYSTAL: NO!

(they stop and look at her)

CRYSTAL: The three of us have to talk.

MEL'S: Okay.

(they go to the galley and sit at the table in the center of the room)

CRYSTAL: Why go home?

MEL D.: Because Jack is just like every guy, all a****holes. I though he was different but he's not.

CRYSTAL: So?

MEL D.: The only reason I'm here was to get Jack. But he's not the person I thought he was, so I

don't want to be here anymore.

MEL H.: I agree. I like Jon-Michael, but he's not the man I want.

CRYSTAL: Well you guys I found my man, okay?! Just because you want to leave because of

your stupid boyfriend's doesn't mean I want to!

MEL H.: We can't help how we feel. We know you're really into Will, and we can tell he's really

into you.

MEL D.: We can't stay here, but we can't leave you, either.

MEL H.: (quietly) I don't think we would be able to.

CRYSTAL: What?  
MEL D.: What do you mean?

MEL H.: Well when we first wished to be here, we did it together, and came right here. You and I

have both expressed our wishes to leave, but Crystal doesn't want to. I think this has to

be unanimous.

MEL D.: (puts head on table)

CRYSTAL: Well I can't help how I feel either, and I can't change it.

(silence)

MEL'S: We're sorry, Crystal.

CRYSTAL: Me too, about your men.

MEL H.: What about Jack?

MEL D.: I don't think I can be with him, the way he's acted. (gets up) I'm going to go officially dump

him. (starts to leave)

(Jack, who has been listening on the stairs, quickly races back to his cabin)

JACK: (thinking sad thoughts) 'I didn't know I made her feel that way.'

Galley

CRYSTAL: So, you gonna break things off with Jon-Michael?

MEL H.: Yah, I better. (leaves to find him)

CRYSTAL: Well this vacation sucks.

Ship's bow

(Mel H. finds Jon-Michael here and begins to tell him she's dumping him)

JON-MICHAEL: But why?

MEL H.: Well, we can't all stay here forever, we'll have to go back to our time. And you're a great

guy and all, I just don't want to end up hurting you or getting too attached.

JON-MICHAEL: (sighs) I understand. I'll probably have another girl within the next few days

anyway.

MEL H.: I thought you'd say that. Anyways- (holds her hand out)- friends?

JON-MICHAEL: (shakes her hand and grins) Friends.

Crew's Quarters

(Will and Crystal are talking)

CRYSTAL: The Mel's are dumping Jack and JM.

WILL: Why?

CRYSTAL: Jack is starting to be too possessive of Mel D. and Mel H. doesn't like JM the way

she thought she did.

WILL: I need to talk to Jack.

CRYSTAL: Yeah he needs an a**** kickin'!

WILL: You love violence, don't you?

CRYSTAL: Oh hell yeah!

WILL: (laughs) You're so full of life, Crystal.

CRYSTAL: Yah? Well you ain't lived till you learned how to do my seawalk! (gets up to do

seawalk but Will stops her)

WILL: Not now, there's something I want to talk to you about.

CRYSTAL: About what?

WILL: Please don't interrupt me until I'm done.

CRYSTAL: I'll think about it.

WILL: From the first time I saw Elizabeth, I thought she was the one. For years I loved her but

was too afraid to say it. Now when I think of her, I don't love her like I thought I did, she's

not the woman I thought she was. (takes Crystal's hand) But I knew right away with you,

it just took my heart too long to realize it.

CRYSTAL: (arches an eyebrow) Tryin' to tell me something, Will? Cuz you're acting all weird

and romantical.

WILL: (smiles) Crystal, I love you.

CRYSTAL: (speechless)

WILL: (frowns) What's the matter? Do you not—

CRYSTAL: Will, I love you! (jumps on him and they fall forwards, crashing into a bunk)

(upstairs, Jack and JM hear the noise from the helm, the Mel's hear from Jack's cabin. They all race down to see what happened. They find Crystal on top of Will, hugging the poop out of him)

JON-MICHAEL: What the hell?

CRYSTAL: We're getting married!

MEL'S: WHAT?!

CRYSTAL: I mean we're engaged!

JACK: Tha's the same thing!

CRYSTAL: I mean we're in love!

MEL H.: Whoo-hoo!

(She and Mel D. run over and jump on Crystal and Will)

MEL D.: Finally!

MEL H.: (hugs Will and Crystal) Congratulations!

CRYSTAL: Group hug!

WILL: (voice tight from being squeezed) I didn't know they came with the package.

CRYSTAL: What package?!

WILL: I don't know! One of those phrases that you told me!

JON-MICHAEL: (rolls eyes)

JACK: Bloody disgusting!

(they leave)

MEL D.: (calls after Jack) Yeah we know you are!

MEL H.: We're gonna celebrate! Girls night!

CRYSTAL: Yah!

MEL D.: Rum!

WILL: I'll leave you three to your party, then. (leaves)

MEL D.: Will one of you guys get the rum? I'm trying to avoid Jack.

MEL H.: Did you break up with him permanently?

MEL D.: No, I don't want to talk to him.

CRYSTAL: She still wants him.

MEL D.: No way!

CRYSTAL: If you didn't you two would be officially over by now.

MEL H.: She has a point.

MEL D.: Whatever!

(Crystal is getting up to get the rum)

CRYSTAL: You do, Mel. What did you guys fight about, anyway?

MEL D.: He turned into the possessive anus-hole boyfriend.

CRYSTAL: That's my word!

MEL D.: Fine!

MEL H.: Crystal just get the rum!

CRYSTAL: Fine! (leaves)

MEL H.: (points at Mel D.) You need to talk to Jack because you still love him and he still loves

you and you need to tell him he's being an a****hole!

MEL D.: I know.

MEL H.: Huh? You're not going to argue?

MEL D.: No, because you're right. But I don't know how I can now that we've said so many nasty

things to each other.

MEL H.: Scare him.

MEL D.: What?

MEL H.: Tonight sneak into his room while he's sleeping and wake him up, like by breaking a bottle

of rum, or slamming the door, or jumping on him!

MEL D.: Oh, the good ol' days.

MEL H.: You mean the good ol' two weeks ago.

MEL D.: Whatever!

CRYSTAL: I've got rum!

(she's back with three bottles of it)

MEL H.: No glasses?

CRYSTAL: Oh I thought we could just drink straight from the bottle. (tosses one to her)

MEL D.: We could have a swigging game.

CRYSTAL: Good idea. (tosses her the other bottle, then uncorks hers and starts chugging)

MEL H.: (whispers) Let's have some fun with her! (grins evilly)

MEL D.: (grins back)

Later...

(Crystal is drunk and the Mel's have confused her into being tied to a chair)

CRYSTAL: I swear I did nothing! And whatever I did it's not my fault!

MEL H.: You drank all the rum, Crystal!

CRYSTAL: No I didn't!

MEL H.: Yes you did! Look. (holds up the three empty bottles) Jack's gonna be mad.

CRYSTAL: Oh no!

MEL D.: You'll probably have to walk the plank.

CRYSTAL: Will won't let him make me!

MEL D.: I don't know, no one's allowed to disobey the captain.

CRYSTAL: But—not—Oh this is just f****cking great! I gotta get outta here! (tries to move and

can't) What the hell?!

MEL H.: We're in the middle of the ocean, where would you go?

CRYSTAL: Why am I tied up?! (looks at them) You did this! You're out to get me! You want to

get rid of me! Well it ain't that easy, b****tches! WILL! WILL HELP!!

(Will comes flying down and stops when he sees them)

WILL: What's going on?!

(the Mel's are on the ground, laughing so hard they can't breathe)

CRYSTAL: Will they tied me to a chair and told me I drank all of Jack's rum and how he's gonna

make me walk the plank and... and... well I don't wanna walk the plank!

MEL D.: (gasping) Must...have...air!

MEL H.: (gasping) Can't...breathe!...dying...

WILL: Crystal, they're playing a trick on you.

CRYSTAL: So I don't have to walk the plank?

WILL: (directs a pi****ed look at the Mel's) No.

CRYSTAL: Why you little— (tries to go after them but is still tied to the chair) What the hell?!

WILL: Here. (goes to untie her)

(the Mel's are backing toward the entrance)

MEL H.: We're just gonna go um... hide now!

(they run up the stairs)

CRYSTAL: Oh they're going to get it!

(as they run up the stairs they run in to Jack)

MEL D.: NO! (tries to go back but remembers Crystal's there) Sh****t I'm trapped!

JACK: Mel would ye just stay still fer five minutes!

MEL D.: (stands still)

JACK: Turn around!

(she does)

JACK: We hafta talk.

MEL H.: Yes you do.

JACK: Was I talkin' ta ye? No! I believe I was talkin' ta her!

MEL H.: Fine, god! (leaves)

MEL D.: Yeah. We do.

JACK: Then come on.

(they start to his room when Crystal yells up the stairs)

CRYSTAL: Oh Melissa's, I need to show you something!

MEL D.: Sh****t! (grabs Jack's hand and drags him into his cabin. Slams and locks the door)

JACK: Wha' was tha' all about?

MEL D.: Uh... nothing. We were supposed to talk, remember?

JACK: Yeah. (sits on his bed) Please sit.

(she pulls up a chair from his desk and sits across from him)

JACK: (sighs) Mel, I'm sorry.

MEL: (surprised) What?!

JACK: I am. I didn't realize how I was treatin' ye.

MEL: Are you serious?

JACK: Yes. I want you back.

MEL: We never really broke up, Jack.

JACK: Oh, well then I don't want ta lose ye. The only reason I acted the way I did is because o'

tha'. I love ye.

MEL: (grins and jumps on him)

JACK: Oof!

MEL: I love you, too! And I'm sorry for the way I treated you before, too.

JACK: So all's well?

MEL: Yep!

(kiss)

Bow

CRYSTAL: Mel H. I know you're here! Come out so I can kick your a****!

MEL H.: (thinking) 'I ain't that stupid.' (she's hiding behind a pile of equipment)

CRYSTAL: I'll find both of you, and then you're a****es is grasses!

MEL H.: (thinking) 'WTF? Your a****es is grasses? OMG!'

CRYSTAL: Sword fight to the death!

MEL H.: (whispers) Now _that_ I can do. (steps out) Crystal!

CRYSTAL: Mel! I want revenge!

MEL H.: Get the swords.

(Anamaria and Jon-Michael appear)

JON-MICHAEL: Here, Mel! (throws her his sword)

MEL H.: (Catches it) Thanks.

(Anamaria tosses her sword to Crystal)

CRYSTAL: En guarde!

(they fight. All the sudden there is an explosion that rocks the ship)

ANAMARIA: What the hell?!

JON-MICHAEL: (takes out his telescope, looks through it) Dam****! A rival ship. I'll get Jack!

(runs to warn Jack)

ANAMARIA: All hands on deck! Prepare fer battle!

(the crew set up their cannons and load their guns and prepare to fight)

Captain's cabin

(JM bursts in on Jack and Mel D., who felt the explosion and are preparing to also fight)

JON-MICHAEL: Better hurry, Captain. They're comin' up fast.

JACK: Aye. (straps on final weapon) Mel, stay in here.

MEL D.: What?! Now way, I'm helping!

JACK: No! I don't want ye hurt. Jon, bring in the other two.

JON-MICHAEL: Aye, sir. (goes to get Mel H. and Crystal)

MEL D.: No Jack, I'm not gonna sit in here and do nothing while we're being attacked.

JACK: Please Mel, just stay. Fer me.

MEL D.: (sighs) Fine.

(Jack smiles and leaves, and Crystal and Mel H. are pushed in by Jon-Michael)

CRYSTAL: Get your dam**** hands off me! Don't put me in here! I can fight!

MEL H.: Dam****it this ain't right!

JON-MICHAEL: Sorry ladies, but it's fer yer own good. (shuts door)

MEL H.: (beats on door) No! We will not be shut in here like helplees females! I wanna fight!

(opens door. A mean-looking pirate is there, and he's not part of the crew! She slams the

door) Okay, I'll stay in here!

(the pirate starts to beat on the door)  
PIRATE: Arr!

(Mel D. and Crystal are pushing Jack's desk over to the door. Mel H. moves out of the way as they shove it over, then they all go to the bed and try to push it toward the door)

CRYSTAL: C'mon guys, put some muscle into it!

MEL'S: We are!

(all the sudden a shout is heard from outside, louder than the rest)

MEL D.: That sounds like Jack! (runs to the door and begins to pull the desk away)

MEL H.: No Mel!

MEL D.: I have a dagger! (whips out a bone-handled blade)

CRYSTAL: Mel stop!

MEL D.: I can take him! (pulls desk away and opens the door. The pirate grins and starts into the

room. She stabs him and runs out)

(Crystal and Mel H. step over the fallen pirate and go after Mel D. Another pirate charges for them. They draw their cutlasses and cut his arms off as he gets close. He falls to the ground screaming)

CRYSTAL: Hell yeah!

MEL D.: (sees Jack and Will fending off three big pirates, Jack is favoring his left leg) Jack! (she

runs to him, followed by Mel H. and Crystal)

(a pirate stabs Will's arm)

CRYSTAL: Will!

(they are behind the men now, weapons drawn, ready to fight)

MEL D.: You can't take my man! (grabs Jack)

CRYSTAL: Yeah! (grabs Will)

JACK: Mel?!

WILL: Crystal?!

MEL H.: Mommy! (grabs Mel D. and Crystal)

(two more big pirates join the other three)

GIRLS: I want my Mommy!

(everything suddenly goes black)

Mel D.'s room

(the girls are back on Mel D.'s couch in her room, everything the same as when they left)

MEL D.: Are we... home?

MEL H.: (looks around) Did we even leave?

(Crystal is mad and crying)

CRYSTAL: Dam****it! I finally had Will and then dam**** Father Time decided to bring us back!

(all the sudden there is a noise from behind the couch. They look at each other, then peek over the top)

CRYSTAL: Holy sh****t!

JACK: Where the hell are we?

WILL: I don't know.

(the girls look at each other)

MEL H.: Uh-oh.

(ending music for POTC starts! Ha ha, j/k!)

THE END

Well I hope whoever read this had as much fun reading it as I did writing it! I thought it was too long at first that's why it's cut in half because it originally didn't have any chapters. Thanks!


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